Turning the Other "Other Cheek"
(Edited excerpt from an e-mail to friends)
Here's an "Offbeat Story" that I thought you might find, if not interesting, perhaps at least mildly amusing.
And so now, FYI:
Blind Psychic Gropes Buttocks to See Future
By Nick Tattersall
BERLIN (Reuters) - Forget palm-reading. A blind German psychic claimed Tuesday he could read people's futures by feeling their naked buttocks.
Clairvoyant Ulf Buck, 39, claims that people's backsides have lines like those on the palm of the hand, which can be read to reveal much about their character and destiny.
"The bottom is much more intense -- it has a much stronger power of expression than the hand in my experience," Buck told Reuters. "It goes on developing throughout your life."
By running his fingers along a number of lines on the surface of a client's posterior, he says he can tell them about their future monetary success, family life, health and happiness.
He says lines representing success, career and artistic ability extend inwards from the outer extremities of the buttocks, while a further five lines radiate outwards.
"I began on a circle of friends and the circle grew," Buck said. "I am not a new-age freak. I treat people with great care and conscientiousness."
Buck, who lives in the northern village of Meldorf, northwest of Hamburg, says all types come to him to have their bottoms read.
He sees his blindness as a great asset, not least because it means customers do not risk having their identities revealed.
"All sorts come, from cleaning ladies and secretaries to prominent members of the community. For them, my being blind is an advantage because I can do it without recognizing them again in the future." Buck has been blind since the age of three.
Although he claims to have spent many years training his fingers, with his index and middle fingers the most sensitive, Buck says even amateur buttock readers can make a broad-brush assessment of people's personalities.
"An apple-shaped, muscular bottom indicates someone who is charismatic, dynamic, very confident and often creative. A person who enjoys life," he said. "A pear-shaped bottom suggests someone very steadfast, patient and down-to-earth."
He is quick to shoot down any suggestion that his buttock groping might be motivated by anything other than a genuine desire to probe people's futures.
"I do not need to feel bottoms for my own pleasure. My wife is quite beautiful enough for me," he said.
Buck is reluctant to speak about his successes, but says he correctly predicted an actress from a popular German soap-opera was going to write a book, and says a stockbroker has been using his services for over two years.
"No stockbroker would keep asking a blind clairvoyant to tell them about future stock prices if they didn't believe I could to it," he said.
Hey, it's me again. BD. And I don't know... But in the past whenever I've tried to give free psychic readings to women* using procedures similar to those mentioned above, I've had my face slapped for my efforts, regardless of how generous and altruistic my motives were. *(No, I don't "read" dudes, Dude. Nothing wrong with dudes who do, I guess. Just not my cuppa tea leaves. Okay?)
Yeah, immediately after the ritualistic "laying on of the hands," I have been assaulted before I could offer even the most minimal of clairvoyant predictions like, for instance, "You are gonna slap somebody in the face in the very near future." (Okay, perhaps I should have introduced myself first, explained my special gifts as a seer, and asked permission to "read" each woman's fanny. Butt... oops, but where's the fun in that? Besides, I have a higher calling.)(Of course, a "higher calling" should direct me toward reading boobs rather than butts, dontcha think? Or dontcha?)
And blah, blah, blah.
This goofing around here makes me remember a time when I actually grabbed a German woman's ass by accident. (No, really. It was an accident, I swear.)
Ruth and I had done some shopping at the PX near Sullivan Barracks on the outskirts of Mannheim, (then-) West Germany. We had just boarded the strassenbahn (inter-urban streetcar) and were on our way home to our apartment above a Gasthaus in Weinheim.
Ruth was able to find a seat. But because the car was too crowded and because I needed to stay with the 2-wheeled cart that we typically used for transporting groceries or laundry, I remained standing in the open area near the doors at the center of the car.
Other passengers stood in this area with me.
Then once when the strassenbahn unexpectedly decelerated too quickly, the cart started to roll away from me. Whoa, Baby! Runaway Cart!
I grabbed for the handle, hoping to stop the cart before it could slam into and possibly injure some unsuspecting fellow traveler. Jeepers!
Well, when I caught hold of the handle, I also got a handful of some German woman's chubby butt. Double Jeepers!
There I was: A young Yankee GI, the proverbial Ugly American in a foreign land, with some native woman's fat ass momentarily in my hand.
Not quite sure what to do about my social faux pas, I followed the German woman's lead and basically acted as though the incident had never happened. But boy, was this Butt Boy's face beet red.
To this day I don't know whether that woman fully understood that what had happened was merely an accident, or whether she thought some foreign pervert had taken indecent liberties with her person, or what. (Thankfully, however, she did not slap me. And due to an assumed language barrier, I did not offer to predict her future. So there.)
And I can't remember now if Ruth witnessed what had happened or if I told her the tale of the handful of tail after a few stops and enough passengers disembarked that I could finally find a seat next to her.
But I seem to recall vividly that Ruth laughed her own ass off over the incident.
And so it goes.
Be well, be happy....
Later, Brother "Herr Mystic Heinie Reader" Dave