There's Always Room for Cello
(Edited excerpt from an e-mail to a friend)
As I read this tale of the fickle and sometimes-cruel nature of showbiz, I was tangentially-reminded of the recent sad fate of your faux-airport-lounge-act "Skye's the Limit." (Sorry.) But hey, FYI:
Heavy Metal Musician Fired for Not Wielding Guitar Like 4-Foot Cock
LONDON (DPI) - Legendary heavy metal band Iron Maiden dumped lead guitarist Dave Murray today after complaints that Murray had consistently been "unwilling to flail his guitar like a massive wood-and-chrome pecker." According to lead singer Bruce Dickinson, "Dave's a great guitar player, but he doesn't sling his guitar about in a cock-like manner that our fans expect." According to Dickinson, Murray had consistently failed to dry-hump his guitar onstage, plant the bottom of it into his genitals while playing solos, or slide the peghead between the thighs of front-row groupies. "To Dave, it's just a guitar. But to fans, it's 10 pounds of electrified, eardrum-splitting man-root."
Reported by Miles Walker, The Daily Probe
After reading the preceding news, I wondered if ever there might come a time of true gender parity, a time in which, say, I may read a story about a female rock star who is terminated from a chick band for failing to mime sexual acts while ascribing vaginal properties to her musical instrument.
And then I wondered just what kinda musical instrument might best represent a vagina, onstage live and in concert. (Jeez. My first thought was French horn, but that's hardly appropriate for a rock band. And I wondered why the hell I thought of French horn. Was I thinking about the sexually-suggestive movements one might perform with one's hand in the instrument's bell? [What, still too male-oriented in perspective?] Or was I simply free-associating the sound of the phrase "French horn" with "French whore"? Jeez.)
I don't know.
What suggestive instrument would you suggest? (And don't tell me about some obscure musical instrument called, for example, "The Vaginaphone" — an alleged legendary instrument, say, whose origin is inferred from a single artifact of an ancient and long-extinct female-centric Amazonian tribal culture. Don't tell me stuff about, say, "The Sacred Pussy Drums of Zanzibar" unless it's absolutely true. And if you expect me to believe in something like, for instance, "The Polyphonic Fully-Chromatic Polynesian Cunt Whistle," ...well, Sister, you better have some hard data to back it up. "Sappho's Harmonic Mouth Organ" of Ancient Greece? ...I wanna see pictures.)
I await your comments, Dear.
Am I being male-biased in my thinking, or isn't it just inherently much easier to mime phallic-oriented actions than to simulate vaginal-oriented traits?
Inquiring minds.... Big heads (and little heads) want to know.
Personally, I find the sound of a cello to be very sensual, perhaps more sensual than all other instruments. And watching a young and attractive woman play a cello, well, I can find that experience to be downright erotic. Whoa, mama!
However, while the cello is definitely feminine in shape, the instrument itself lacks an equivalent to a vagina.
At least, that's my perspective on the matter.
Harry Chapin proved that a cello could be an integral voice in a rock band.
The Kiddo drove to Pittsburg a couple of months ago just to catch a gig by an avant-garde group she digs called "Rasputina" — a pseudo-classical, hard-core, "positive-Goth" cello band.
As I understand it, the band is 3 cellist chicks who are dressed in old-fashioned women's undergarments as they perform onstage.
The shape of a traditional flat-top acoustic guitar is quite feminine. And, although misplaced for a more anatomically-correct comparison, I suppose the soundhole has at least one obvious vagina-like characteristic. But I don't know....
An arch-top acoustic guitar is also feminine in shape, maybe more so than the flat-top since it gives more dimension to its equivalent of a woman's backside and belly. However, while the word "f-hole" can easily make me free-associate to thoughts of a vagina (Hey, I'll concede that it ususally doesn't take much to inspire me to daydream about that particular subject. Still,...), the actual sight of f-holes on a traditional arch-top guitar does not equate to the vaginal form in shape, number, or placement. (Just now, right when you read that bit about my thoughts on vaginas and f-holes, you called me an a-hole, didn't ya? Yeah, under your breath, you muttered, "A-hole." Don't try to deny it, I know you did.)
And I suppose that all my comments here on the arch-top acoustic guitar can also apply to the cello. F-holes and all. (And yes, m'Dear, your thoughts about me apply still, too. A-hole and all.)
And so it goes.
And blah, blah, blah....
Well, that's all I gotta say for now. I probably said too much anyway. Jeez. (After all this blathering, I think I'll either play my guitar for a while or maybe go spend a little "me time" listening to some recorded cello music in the bedroom. [Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge. Know what I mean?] Jeez.) I'm outta here.
Be well, be happy....
Later, Brother "Whoa! Did I really say, 'Polynesian Cunt Whistle'!?" Dave