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What rhymes with ''Orange''? Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 2009 Archive

Following are collected verses of doggerel that were written during the year 2009. Some verses may be accompanied by notes that were originally included when e-mailed to a few family members and friends, usually within a few minutes of the verses having been completed.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 01/11/09


I must go down to the 4H grounds — for photo ops, that is why.
All I need is the Teen Beef Queen and a steer to star her by.


NOTE: Today's doggerel is based on the meter and construction of the first two lines of "Sea Fever" (Salt-Water Ballads, 1902), a poem by John Masefield (1878-1967). Masefield's lines are known generally by geeks like me from having been quoted by Captain James T. Kirk (William Shatner) in the 1968 Star Trek episode "The Ultimate Computer" and again in the 1989 film Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, and as also quoted by Willy Wonka (Gene Wilder) in the 1971 film Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

Masefield's original opening lines to "Sea Fever" are:

I must go down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky,
And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 02/05/09


Monosodium Glutamate?
Sure, give it to me twice.
While MSG is so pre-'63,
Stereo SG might sound nice.


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 02/20/09


There are still Indians in Indiana.
And you may find one if you try,
If not a native Miami or Shawnee,
Then one from New Delhi or Mumbai.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 03/01/09


Being in love is okay, I guess.
But falling in love is a pain.
I'm already obsessive, compulsive,
Anxious, and chronically depressed.
Why opt to be twice as insane?


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 03/04/09


Calling me "cracker" 'cause I'm white is all right,
So long as you don't really mean to be mean.
Why, even black folks will be crackers someday,
When all our corpses become Soylent Green®.


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 03/15/09 - #1


Perhaps, I'd be okay if I'd just stay away
From all enemies, villains, and nemeses "arch."
And I'd bet that I'd be much better off still,
If I'd beware those arch-foes on the Ides of March.


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 03/15/09 - #2


On March 15, when they ganged up on Caesar
And stabbed him a-plenty and without remorse,
He should've looked 'em ALL in the eyes
And asked, "Et tu, et tu, et tu, Brute Force?"


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 03/23/09


Have too many crappy weekends,
And no one would wanna be ya
— Especially if all that crappiness
Is a lot like explosive diarrhea.


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 03/25/09


I wonder when The Politically Correct
Will rename the state of Indiana.
To what, who knows? But I expect
A PC-sounding "Native Americana."

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 04/03/09


When you're boxed into an air-tight box
Due to someone's bias, ignorance, and hate,
Just make "air quotes" and breathe 'em in
So that you don't turn blue and suffocate.


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 04/04/09


His mother's two sisters stole his virginity.
Now, as an adult, he's a failure at romance.
The psychiatric diagnosis for his malady:
Childhood trauma from aunts in his pants


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 04/10/09


Christian religious mythology aside,
I trust that it is well understood:
I wish you the best this day can provide
— A Good Friday that is truly good.


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 04/11/09 - #1


A script, a stage, fair actors,
Dances to dance, songs to sing,
Then tweet 140 or less characters
To say, "Okay, the play's the thing."


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 04/11/09 - #2


Two years today, Kurt passed away.
Goodbye, Blue Monday, no more woes.
Yes, Vonnegut is up in Heaven now.
That's his last joke And so it goes.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 05/10/09


Happy Mothers Day to all the moms
And to me, even though I am a dad,
'Cause, hey, just like all of you,
I've been called "a mother," too
Even if it was said as something bad.


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 05/28/09


If I ever decide to shave my head,
When asked why, hey, I may answer:
"Receding hairline, skinhead unity,
Cult religiosity, 'n' chemo for cancer!"

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 08/20/09


A month ago today, Mom passed away.
And, hey, I'm still in denial
'Cause if and when reality asserts,
Well, it really, really hurts,
And I feel like a motherless child.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 09/23/09


Forty years ago today, so they say,
Was the first time ever someone said,
"John, George, Ringo are all A-Okay.
But poor ol' Paul that dude is dead."

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 11/08/09


Let me call you "Tweet Tart" and I'll follow you.
Your lone porn-linked tweet, My Sweet, entices me, it's true.
You have 0 followers, but you follow 10,002.
Let me call you "Tweet Tart" and I'll follow you.


NOTE: If there is no specific descriptive term yet for the sort of cyber-hooker who has only posted a single, porn-linked tweet on Twitter and has zero followers but, nevertheless, is following hundreds of established Twitter users, I suggest "Tweet Tart." The preceding quatrain of doggerel is to be sung (approximately) to the tune of "Let Me Call You Sweetheart," the widely-popular pop song published in 1910.


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 11/23/09


Registered Sex Offender®
(With encircled capital "R")
Is a brand name you can trust,
But only just so far.

Burma Sh er, Myanmar Shave!

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BONUS DOGGEREL
Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 2008 Archive


Yeah, yeah, I know. It sounds like an oxymoron, doesn't it? "Bonus Doggerel." But because there are only a few verses from 2008, rather than create a so-short and separate archive page for them, I've decided to append them here.


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 11/15/08 - #1


Oh, when she begged me to post here
Why, my ol' heart was all a-twitter
But since she's left me high 'n' dry
Said heart is cold 'n' hard 'n' bitter


NOTE: This is the very first verse of doggerel I posted on Twitter. Although I had entered it into the text box with apparent line-breaks, posting revealed my perception of those breaks to be an illusion. It was this initial verse that caused me to use forward slashes on all subsequent Twitter-posted verses. (See verse below, posted on the same day and illustrating my "hack" around the lack of a line-break option.) Because I didn't use punctuation to help indicate where line-breaks had been expected to appear, it's the otherwise awkwardly placed capital letters that help to denote where new lines were to begin. Following is the verse as it appeared after clicking on the "Tweet" button:

When she begged me to post here Why, my heart was all a-twitter But since she's left me high and dry Said heart is cold and hard and bitter


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 11/15/08 - #2


Now I know posting doggerel on Twitter / Can be a bit of a booger /
Unless I'm proactive and slash it all up / As would ol' Freddy Krueger


NOTE: This verse was written as one of my earliest tweets after establishing a Twitter account. It was my second attempt at tweeting original doggerel. Because Twitter limits a single post to a maximum of 140 alpha-numeric characters and doesn't allow for line-breaks (as discovered upon posting "Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 11/15/08 - #1") or much of any other means of text formatting, I employed the traditional use of forward slashes to indicate where line-breaks would otherwise be in the verse.

PS: Although I wouldn't expect anyone to intuit this, when reading the verse, I hear the word "booger" (mis)pronounced so that it is a straight rhyme with "Krueger." Because actress Shelley Long is a native Hoosier, I would expect her natural pronunciation of "booger" to rhyme with "sugar." But I recall that Ms. Long's character, "Diane Chambers" on TV's Cheers, once pronounced "booger" as if to rhyme with "Krueger." So, with regard to this doggerel, it's Diane's affected pronunciation I hear in my head. Hotcha!


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 12/16/08


First, you take a deep breath.
Then as that air leaves your lungs,
You modulate it with nonsense:
You're freakin' speakin' in tongues!

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