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What rhymes with ''Orange''? Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 2011 Archive

Following are collected verses of doggerel that were written during the year 2011. Some verses may be accompanied by notes that were originally included when e-mailed to a few family members and friends, usually within a few minutes of the verses having been completed.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 02/12/11


Romantic love is such a blatant scam,
And Valentine's is named after a saint.
Therefore, a schism 'cause Catholicism
Is one more of the "-isms" I ain't.


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 04/26/11


April showers bring May flowers
Except for where flash floods
Inundate and then wash away
Any chance for floral buds.


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 06/08/11


Don't date that vampire, Ophelia.
Don't take that beast to your bed.
Technically, it's still necrophilia
If you boink the grateful undead.


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 06/21/11


Never have sex with space aliens.
Xenophobia still has a place.
Heck, they're not even mammalian.
And you never know, alien afterglow
May entail the eating your face.


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 06/26/11


Sing and play ancient Irish songs.
Let fife and fiddle speak to me.
Regale me with old Gaelic words,
Even if they sound Greek to me.


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 06/30/11


If you ever need an investigator,
To overturn rocks, snoop and spy,
Pick up a phone — now, not later.
Call Dick Fromage, Private Eye!

Dial 555-2411. That's 555-2411.
Operators are standing by.



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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 07/10/11


Down by the jungle riverside, you will find the ultimate thrill
'Cause a crocodile awaits you there, to claim you as its kill.
So you'll die in a frenzied deathroll, then the croc will eat its fill,
And wedge your remains 'neath a sunken log to save for later still.


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 07/19/11


When you choose to fly to Portland,
Please, don't let it drive you insane,
If your jetlag ass ends up in Oregon,
While your bags fly to Portland, Maine


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 07/25/11


Oh, there is so much genetic junk in all of our D.N.A.
Mutations splash the gene pool, with eons-enduring ripples.
So now, Evolution could halve its whole tit list with a hit list,
To eventually rid the world of all male mammalian nipples.

NOTE: Today's doggerel was written after pondering the rustic rural simile "As useless as tits on a boar hog."


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 08/14/11


On the cold and dark planet of Dammital,
the spiders are damn-near as big as moose.
They trap you then wrap you in cable-thick web,
from which no prey ever gets loose.
Their venom paralyzes and slowly kills you,
as your meat and bones turn into juice.
They suck you dry then cast aside your empty husk,
for which they have no more use.


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 08/15/11


Oh, to be given the kid glove treatment!
Sounds like something that everyone loves.
Except young goats: Killed and skinned,
And then shaved, tanned, and turned in-
To those soft, supple pairs of kid gloves.


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 09/02/11


Obsessive-compulsive ideation loops
Beginning-to-end, beginning-to-end.
So it's déjà vu, and then it's déjà vu,
Again and again and again and again


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 09/03/11


You may fail to avoid being a fool for love.
Still, when rutting, steer clear of this rut:
Don't let your new flame pick your nickname
To be Sweet Patootie, Sugar Booger, or Honey Butt.


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 09/09/11


When it's time to cut the cheese,
Whether Colby, Swiss, or Cheddar.
Cut it "Old School," if you please,
And don't use the paper shredder.


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 09/18/11


How much ground
Would a groundhog hog,
If a groundhog
Would hog ground?

NOTE: I grew up here in Indiana, where the critters that others may call "woodchucks," we Hoosiers — both now and historically — call them "groundhogs." So, I recoin and posit anew the age-old woodchuck/groundhog question. Although I have, at times, lived in rural settings within 100 yards of a groundhog's burrow, neither my personal life experiences nor my undergraduate and graduate studies have prepared me to begin to answer the question with any certainty. I do know that groundhogs are territorial, so the inquiry into how much ground one might hog, on average, is not frivolous. I believe my recasting of the question has more real-world relevance than asking "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" I mean, really.


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 09/24/11 - #1


Your act of adding insult to my injury,
With all the shame and pain resulting.
Is still better than adding injury to injury.
I would find that to be painfully insulting.


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 09/24/11 - #2


A spoonerism popped into my mind.
It's a thought that I'd like to keep
As a caption for a garden-row sign
That reads, "Weed 'em and reap!"


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 09/24/11 - #3


Yes, I guess making the A-list is mighty fine.
But let me tell you something, mister,
With a first name and a surname both like mine,
One is born to forever be a D-Lister.


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 09/25/11


[1/2] I assume all my readers are familiar with the norm. / And know I'm not being violent by following fashion. /

[2/2] When converting rhyme from verse to paragraph form, / There's bound to be some straightforward forward-slashin'

NOTE: Today's doggerel is about the convention of separating lines of verse with forward-slashes when line-breaks are not allowed, such as when posting to Twitter. And because today's doggerel exceeds the 140-alphanumeric character maximum limit per Twitter post, it was posted as two parts in consecutively-numbered tweets — some reader reassembly required.


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 09/26/11


Decimate means "to reduce by one-tenth."
And so, for those poor souls so ill-fated
As to lose everything in some disaster,
I'm sure they'd prefer to be decimated.


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 10/01/11


No cantaloupe for me, regardless of its source or variety,
Not with its current link to illness or sudden death, sister.
'Cause more than dire consequences, I fear the notoriety
Of being the subject of irony when Listeria kills a Lister


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 10/16/11


O, my dear mother always called me David.
I don't think she ever once called me Dave.
And it was my full first, middle, and surname
That she'd call out loudly, when I'd misbehave.


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 11/05/11


Yes, I confess that I'm getting
Kind o' extra long in the fang.
M'Dears, my ears are still ringing
From having heard the Big Bang.


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 11/08/11


The online headline appeals to my prurient interests.
But "Taylor Swift Scandal" sounds so crass and crude.
Still, a fantasy forms and I can't help but be hopin'
That she's strummin' her banjo while she's in the nude.


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 11/14/11


Hey, I have thought a lot about spam and/or junk e-mail.
Yes, I thought and thought, I think, until I finally thunk:
Most e-messages are screened and deemed to be junk mail
Because they too often offer to male-enhance my junk.


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 11/19/11


Does our season of discontent require more seasoning,
In such a bleak black-'n'-white and salt-'n'-pepper way?
When conscientious kids won't yield to faulty reasoning,
Shame on cops who casually assault with pepper spray.


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 11/20/11


Well, the first time I ever saw an ocean, as far as I could see
Was one big, wet, restless surface; its depth was lost on me.
And the first time I ever heard an ocean, as best as I could tell,
It kinda, sorta sounded like my Grandpa's souvenir conch shell


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 11/21/11


Although I haven't seen the pertinent data that the last US Census gave,
I wouldn't be at all surprised if there are over a million of us US Daves.
But what I find downright disturbing, in this land of the free and brave,
Is, according to a new CIA report, there are more than a million slaves.


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 11/24/11


Steve says he believes in casual sex,
But unlike for so many of his peers,
When he does it, he always expects
It's with his wife of so many years.


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 11/26/11 - #1


Way down in North Carolina,
For whatever it is worth,
Babies arrive via vagina,
Or else by Cesarean birth.


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 11/26/11 - #2


Drinking the drinking water down in old Mexico
Leads to Montezuma's Revenge, so they say.
But the mayor of Huarmey, Peru, dontcha know,
Says that their water there may make you gay.

Inspirational Source: Peruvian Mayor: Strontium In Water Makes You Gay


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 11/27/11


If I make this solitary lifestyle seem too cool,
Soon everyone, likewise, will want to go hermit.
Then the government fools will legislate rules,
Extorting fees for each "Official Hermit Permit."


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 11/28/11


My memories of the Thanksgiving Day holiday now are completely murky.
I'm guessing I'm repressing because my family all called me "Turkey."
My only consolation is that I'm not a friggin' vegan or similarly quirky.
Otherwise, I surely would have been tarred with the epithet "Tofurkey."


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 12/03/11


Rex said getting a sex-change takes ultimate guts.
Fred said that he thinks Rex is too full of feces.
Fred said he knows some woman so gutsy she's nuts,
And that she surgically changed her whole species.


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 12/09/11 - #1


When those birds of a feather all flock together
To perch on and pollute your stone portrait statue,
With all their foul fowl endeavor, may you forever
Be glad they aim crap at your image, not at you.


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 12/09/11 - #2


Yes, my formal education is quite incomplete.
Guess I deserve all of your derisive cackles.
But which should I raise? Which should I heat?
I don't know my own cockles from my hackles.


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 12/17/11


Above the Arctic Circle, precisely at the North Pole,
The need for knowing your way is ice-crystal clear.
Regardless of what your internal compass may say,
Every direction you face leads southward from here.


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 12/18/11


Of all of my dreams never remembered upon waking
And potentially-relevant secrets they may have kept,
I now wonder how any were ever just as essential
As my thoughtless breathing while I soundly slept.


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 12/19/11


It's the trite subject of most of our English-language poems.
It's the muse that too many mother-tongued songs are made of.
So, pay linguists overtime to create more words that rhyme
With that hallowed and oh-so hackneyed thing we call "Love."

NOTE: After I posted today's doggerel to Facebook, a long-time, real-world friend (not just a virtual, Facebook "friend") posted a pithy, affirmative comment, He wrote, "Perfect!" To which I responded as follows:

Well, yeah, Donnie Wayne, as a songwriter yourself, I'm sure you could fully appreciate a rhyme palette that offers much more options than just the same ol' same ol' dove, glove, of, shove, and above.

The antonym of love is hate and, Jeez, there's a b'zillion rhyme options for that word. It's just not right, not right at all.

So, if the English-language linguists won't take care of us, I suggest that businesses and corporations begin brand-naming their forthcoming new goods and services with made-up names that rhyme with "love." It would give us rhymers more options, and potentially give commercial products butt-loads of free advertising.

I mean, imagine how many songwriters would end up slipping the name of a new Chevy into a song, if a new model pickup truck was called the Chevrolet Gruv®. (That's pronounced as Gruhv, not Groov.)

Think 'bout all the free radio advertising McDonalds might realize, if their next new sandwich had a love-song-friendly name like The Stuvv® (as in "Come 'n' Stuvv® yo' face with this brand new big bad boy! At McDonalds!").

Consider how many songwriters might opt to use the new brand-name Kruv® in a song, merely because it rhymes with "love" and regardless that it's the registered trademark of a wholly-redesigned new tampon-like feminine hygiene product.

Yep, yep, if the linguists don't help us out, then the mass marketers should.

Hey, I'm just sayin'....

— Later, BD

(What's that? You think the Stuvv® name would be better for the tampon-thingy than for the sandwich? Well, you're welcome to your opinion, ya big perv. Um, er, okay, I was thinking Shuv® might be more fitting for the feminine hygiene product. Sorry, but you brought it up, ya big perv.)


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