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What rhymes with ''Orange''? Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 2016 Archive

Following are collected verses of doggerel that were written during the year 2016. Some verses may be accompanied by notes that were originally included when e-mailed to a few family members and friends, usually within a few minutes of the verses having been completed.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 01/01/16


Well, here is another New Year's Day that I never thought I'd live to see,
Back when I was barely surviving chronic depression and suicidal ideation.
Though I still may be predisposed to garden variety neurosis and anxiety,
I accept this day with gratitude and a sense of calm and quiet affirmation.


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 01/24/16


The poets get all the chicks, wealth, fame, and accolades.
We doggerel writers? No one loves, respects, or trusts us.
Proposal for a Doggerelist Laureate has never been made.
And there's no doggerelistic license or doggerelistic justice.

NOTE: First off, if you're a poet, don't get too riled up about the opening line in today's doggerel. It is intended as a slightly-sarcastic joke. I mean, whenever I've heard professional poets being interviewed on the radio or TV, none has ever implied that writing poetry full-time is a proven path to riches. Nope, "Don't quit your day job." seems to be their underlying advice. As for my motivation for writing today's verse, I awoke wondering what the adjectival equivalent of "poetic" is for doggerel-related applications. But to deal with that, I realized that I needed to ascertain the doggerel-related noun-equivalent to "poet." Oy. Although I've written doggerel off-‘n'-on since childhood, I never really wondered if there might be a single-word noun for "doggerel writer," till now. So, while still in bed and in that foggy-groggy state between being sound asleep and wide awake, I imagined that "doggerelist" was a likely candidate noun and, if valid, "doggerelistic" would be its cumbersome but likely adjectival form. Oy, again. Anyway, after deciding to fully awake and arise, a Google search determined that "doggerelist" is indeed the noun. While there were only 16 instances of the adjective "doggerelistic" being used (and only 9 instances after discounting duplicative entries), I take that teeny-weeny sample as acceptable validation. So there! And, thus, I coined my equivalents to "Poet Laureate," "poetic license," and "poetic justice" — not for love or money or praise, mind you, but simply because I had to, doggone it. A doggerelist has gotta do what a doggerelist has gotta do. (Whew, think I'd better go back to bed now. Oy again, again.)

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 01/30/16


I hadn't vacuumed in oh-so long that I'd forgotten one of the rules:
"Don't introduce any foreign objects that might fuck-up your tools!"
If I had been paying attention, it was a bullet I could have dodged.
But no, I suctioned up a penny and now the penny is firmly lodged.
If I can't fix it, a new vacuum cleaner purchase is my likely remedy.
My old sweeper won't sweep. And that truly sucks. Oh, the irony!

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 01/31/16


Hermit Dave, held hostage in a mad scientist's lab,
Was Jekyll-'n'-Hyde'd via a vile-med hypodermic jab.
So now, when awakened too early,
Hermit Dave gets snippy and surly,
Then morphs into a hybrid hermit human hermit crab.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 02/06/16


Not wanting to wear Anthrax-eating underpants,
Soldiers snap to attention, and each one chants,
"Sir, all we are saying is, 'Give peace a chance.'*
Let's forgo slaying in Anthrax-eating underpants."

*Except for the "Sir," the third line is, of course, credited to John Lennon.

Today's muse: www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2016/02/06/the-army-s-anthrax-eating-underwear.html

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 02/15/16


Twenty-five hundred years ago, as theatrical arts of Ancient Greece ascended,
The defining difference between comedy and tragedy was in how a play ended.
In a comedy, whatever the plot lines, the protagonist found a happy conclusion.
In tragedy, despite any levity, the protagonist wound up with sorrow's profusion.

A play's final scene could seem headed toward certain and inescapable doom,
But a Deus ex Machina might, or might not, be lowered on stage from a boom,
To change fate by its presence or seal fate by its absence at the end of drama.
Comedy? Tragedy? All preceding direction could turn on a dime or drachma.

Me? I try to find the humor in each moment, if only to laugh to keep from crying.
Besides wit, tho', I'm predisposed to chronic depression. So, in my time of dying,
Will I think Life is a joke and the joke's on me and, thus, end my play in tragedy?
Or, will I even laugh at that joke on me and then, with a grin, end in a comedy?

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 02/20/16


Back when I first met the buxom First Lady of Spain,
She said, "Que?" i.e., "What can you tell me, dude?"
I said, "According to common sense, m'Lady, it's plain
That you should avoid playing accordion in the nude."

Who knew that an international incident would ensue?
The US State Department disavowed what I had said
And expedited my extradition to Spain, where I'm due
To be tossed in a bullring – butt-naked, but painted red.

"¡Ay, caramba! ¡Dios mío! This is freakin' mucho frio!
My birthday suit's gonna be gored and rent by El Toro!"
Slashes to arms, gashes in legs! To my torso, more so!
There's no happy ending to my tale, nor a noble moral.

As my dying drops of blood bleed out, where they shine like rubies,
I pray the Lady defies my warning and pinches both her boobies!





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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 02/21/16 - #1
(For a larger, easier to read graphic, click here.)

The Sooper-Dooper Guitar-Chord-Diagram-Version Of Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 02/21/16 - #1

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 02/21/16 - #2


Just as your band is taking the stage to play its very first public set,
Don't tell an anxious, literal-minded guitar player, "Dude, don't fret."
Now, other than for an occasional open E, A, D, G, B, or hi-E string,
Ten bars in, our lead guitar guy hasn't played one worthwhile thing.
We hate him going verbatim because he's not fretted any note yet!

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 02/27/16


Last night and once again, he terrorized Danielle in one of her darkest dreams.
It is only in her subconsciousness now that he may still steal across any border.
Upon awakening, she felt the urge to press charges. But, technically, it seems
His recent and too-peaceful death invalidates her longstanding restraining order.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 02/28/16


"So, why don't you tell me your backstory?" she said.
But her eyes were wet after only the first thirty years.
"It's not from sorrow or joy or pathos or pity," she said.
"Actually, instead, I am quite literally bored to tears."

The moral of the story:

When you wish the tale to end with two characters
Sharing a fade-out while in that horizontal position
And a time to relax after reaching a thrilling climax,
Do not bog down early on in too much exposition.

Don't disrupt narrative flow with so much exposition.

Production Slate For ''Vale of Tears, Veil of Sheers'' - a major motion picture coming to theaters everywhere in Spring 2018!


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 02/29/16
(Bissextus)*


We had better promptly be heading to the public beheading.
Attendance is monitored and Supreme Leader expects
All the loyal and pious to attest to his doing right by us.
So, go along with the crowd lest we risk our own necks.

*Bissextus is not similar to "bisect us," regardless of what a quatrain of doggerel about a public beheading might otherwise lead you to expect on this Leap Day.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 03/03/16


Whenever I would tell her, "O, m'Dear Maisie,
Sometimes I'd swear you are batshit crazy!"
She would say, "Hey, no ifs or ands or buts,
Ya guano see deep bat shit when I go nuts!"

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 03/05/16


There are three – count 'em, three – common meanings for the word "scat."
One is the imperative interjection as told to a mischievous interloping cat.
Number two is an animal's fecal droppings, e.g., that feral cat's doo-doo.
And third is the non-verbal vocalizing that Jazz singers dooby-dooby do.

It is that third meaning of "scat" by which Terre Haute, Indiana native son
Benjamin Sherman Crothers derived his showbiz name when deciding one.
Scatman played piano, drums and guitar, besides singing dooby-doobys.
He made records, did radio shows, acted on TV and in Hollywood movies.

Scatman Crothers performed for Capone. He gave cartoon characters voice.
Friend to Jack Nicholson, Scatman was a four-time Jack-film casting choice.
Eventually, lung cancer spread and stole his voice so he could no longer scat
Or verbally vocalize. Then pneumonia did him in and that, as they say, was that.

In seventy-six years, his accomplishments were many. But Scatman's gone.
He passed away on my daughter's fifth birthday and is buried in Forest Lawn.

Benjamin "Scatman" Crothers: born May 23, 1910, Terre Haute, Indiana; died November 22, 1986, Van Nuys, California

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day: 03/07/16


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 03/13/16


I swear, I was just about to do that thing I promised you.
The time was ripe and I finally felt it was within my power.
I realized it has been years, m'Dear, and so long overdue.
But then, dammit, Daylight Savings Time stole that hour!

Maybe I'll yet get to that thing this same time next spring.

Brother Dave's


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 03/20/16


Today, one visitor to my website was ID'd as being from the Isle of Man.
The island is between Ireland and the UK, in a narrow patch of blue sea.
Inspired by that island's name, if ever I christen an island, it is my plan
To honor a ubiquitous TV show as old as me and call it the Isle of Lucy.

The emblem on the Isle of Man flag, however, does not inspire emulation.
It's a triskelion of three human legs, from island history's medieval chapter.
I imagine a portrait of Lucille Ball will be emblematic of my island nation.
Not legs arranged to resemble a 45-RPM-record-to-LP-spindle adapter.

As head of state, I'll mandate laws be few 'n' those few be loosey-goosey,
Because we will all be buzzed on Vitameatavegamin on our Isle of Lucy.
Once you visit, friend, you will want to be a citizen, never more to roam.
Then when you, too, are blotto, we'll recite our motto: "Lucy, I'm home!"

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 03/25/16 - #1


The Last Supper may be the last supper where
Some of the leftovers, left in their Tupperware®,
Transubstantiated into human blood and flesh.

So, fer chrissake, avoid any gastronomic venue
Where, except for beef or mutton on the menu,
The main course was allegedly born in a crèche.

Última Cena by Leonardo Da Vinci

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 03/25/16 - #2


Forty-five years ago today, I voluntarily enlisted in the Army of our U.S.A.
It was my diabolical scheme to beat the draft. (Hey, I saw the irony, okay?)
Then, after two months of Basic and a year in Army Signal Corps School,
Instead of 'Nam I went to West Germany, which was, in comparison, cool.

So, tho' I'm a veteran, I'm no war hero. But one thing I can say for certain:
While I was in Europe, the Russian Army stayed behind their Iron Curtain.
Cause and effect, or mere coincidence? Modesty doesn’t permit me to say.
Anyway, I was sworn-in then sent to Fort Knox forty-five years ago today.

BD on Graduation Day from Basic Training

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 03/28/16


Somber? I guess. Morbid? Yes, maybe.
But it's a stable gig in the mortuary science profession.
It's not like someone can say, "Hey, baby,
We'll need to cut back on dying during this recession."

People "Die Local," survivors "Buy Local."
Funerals, burials, or cremations aren't outsourced. So,
There is, as of yet, no need to be vocal
Against call centers in India or maquiladoras in Mexico.

Even in the future, it is likely the dead
Will still be processed locally, barring cultural amnesia.
I mean, can you imagine that, instead,
We'll be embalmed by kids in sweatshops in Indonesia?

No, before the departed ever depart
For post-mortem processing in some Third-World latrine,
Legislation will let local capitalists start
To help the deceased rest in pieces in, say, Soylent Green.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 03/31/16


"Real People. Not Actors." says the big 'n' bold on-screen text
Introducing a TV commercial, implying that what happens next
Is honest, genuine, sincere (and uncompensated?) testimony
— Not professional shilling that sounds credible, but is phony.

"Real People. Not Actors." Why, I know some local actors who,
Despite chameleon-like role-playing skills, are "real people" too.
Advertisers, choose words with care when you try to entice us.
Actors are neurotic enough without you fomenting identity crisis.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 04/02/16


Unwanted pregnancies are nearly non-existent on planet Komplexxezz,
Where it takes a minimum of five individuals, each of five different sexes,
To come together in consensus for the express purpose of procreation.

Consequently, Komplexxezzian porn is the most complex in the universe.
Imagine the logistics of parking four pizza-delivery vehicles. What's worse,
It takes at least three other-sexed porn-viewers to manage masturbation.

As complicated as sex gets between couples on Earth, it can't compare
To the convoluted interpersonal dynamics Komplexxezzians have there.
The upshot being: Their most-populace cities don't have much population.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 04/02/16 - #2


Much to my dismay, today is "International Pillow Fight Day."
Pillow fights!? Why, you would think the UN would ban 'em.
Pillows are weaponized with over a dozen species of fungi,
Watered by gallons of your perspiration per pillow per annum.

Until there is an armistice, accord, ceasefire, truce or treaty,
May local laws and your vigilance suffice to save you, sweetie.
Beware apparent fat men or pregnant women on your block.
They could conceal-carry, intent on more than mere pillow talk.

Pillows are weaponized with fungi that thrive over the years,
Watered by nocturnal sweat, you bet, not to mention any tears.

This bit of verse was inspired by a tweet from New Scientist: https://twitter.com/newscientist/status/716281617870884865

For more information on International Pillow Fight Day, see: http://pillowfightday.com/

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 04/02/16 - #3


"Why not write some rhymes of Love sometimes?" she candidly asked.
"Everyone likes those," she said. And he said, "Well, even if that is so,
I tend to shy away from such subjects, unless I'm commercially tasked.
As writers who write about writing recommend, I write about what I know."

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 04/03/16


A random thought occurs to me just now and it's a bummer to top all bummers.
Sadly, it may foretell an unfortunate, untimely demise for Mary Ann Summers.
Being the shortest castaway on Gilligan's Island, this Kansas farmer's daughter
Could drown first as global warming and rising tides take the island underwater.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 04/13/16


"It is so quiet that you can hear a pin drop"
Might not be interesting or worthwhile news,
Unless you're surrounded by pin-droppers
When you are not wearing a pair of shoes.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 04/23/16 - #1


If ever you are feeling "off" and think, "I'm not quite myself,"
The truth of the matter goes far beyond just general health.
Your own one hundred trillion native human cells are barely
A match for one-and-a-half quadrillion microbes you carry!

Do the math, Dear Friend, and you will see that it is true:
On average, you are only six and two-thirds percent you.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 04/23/16 - #2


They say Justice is blind, bless her dear heart.
That handicap aside, what would be worse
Is if she deigns to be Poetic Justice and starts
To mete out punishment in doggerel verse.

Blind (And Poetic) Justice

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 04/27/16


Ancient Greece to Ancient Rome to Medieval times and
up until the Nineteenth Century,
An imbalance of the four bodily fluids known as "humors"
was thought to cause any malady.
These four humors were blood, yellow bile, black bile,
and phlegm, all to which I say, "Ick!"
That original quack who invented the humors was likely
humorless, imbalanced and, yes, sick.

Learn more about the humors here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Humorism

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 05/02/16


At times, even the world's foremost particle physicists
Must pause, reflect and, yes, then grin and bear it —
Especially when wiring for the Large Hadron Collider
Is chewed through by some wascally, weasely ferret.

With regard to the muse for today's doggerel, see: http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-36173247

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 05/04/16


While many of your so-called Facebook "Friends"
Click "Like" and leave comments wishing you luck,
A recent research study may shatter your illusion
Of friendship, because it comes to the conclusion
That only four of your "Friends" really give a fuck.

* * * * *

"Champagne to my real friends, real pain to my sham friends." — Tom Waits

For more info about your four caring Facebook "Friends," see: http://diply.com/sciencep/article/facebook-study-friends-list

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 05/06/16


A new British polar research vessel is being named
After the famed naturalist Sir David Attenborough.
Previously, online public polling was to be blamed
For electing a name that would've been thorough-
Ly whimsical, but also a potential national disgrace
. So now, the ship is named after Sir Attenborough
Unless he changes his name to Boaty McBoatface.

With regard to the muse for today's doggerel, see: http://gizmodo.com/boaty-mcboatface-will-actually-be-called-rrs-sir-david-1775067999

PS: Whoa! It's another case of life imitating doggerel! Just twenty-three hours after I posted the above verse, I see a just-released article regarding a petition pertinent to my punchline: http://boingboing.net/2016/05/07/petition-david-attenborough-t.html (Hmm, maybe my early childhood near-death experience really did give me heretofore-dormant psychic abilities. Imagine that!)

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 05/09/16


Gabrielle's costumes get skimpier in each consecutive season
of "Xena: Warrior Princess."
A latecomer as a fan, I've been following new Universal DVD
re-releases. And, yes, I confess
That when the sixth and final season is released next week,
I'm hoping to say, "Whoa, dude!
The costumers couldn't make anything smaller still, so here's
Renée O'Connor in the nude!"

Renée O'Connor as ''Gabrielle'' on the cover of TV Guide

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 06/28/16


No, I would not want to be rude
Or cause her feelings to be hurt.
But I know if I knew a Gertrude,
'Stead of "Hey," I'd say, "Yo, Gert!"

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 07/01/16


"Chamomile" is the homophone of the phrase "camo meal"
Which, as military-grade food-fight ammo, would be great!
But if you rowdy kids had to try to subsist on the real deal,
You'd starve to death 'cause you'd not see it on your plate!

(This doggerel verse came to me
While sipping cold chamomile tea.)


PS: Also, now that I come to think of it, I watched this episode of RWBY the other evening and it, no doubt, contributed some unconscious musing for today's doggerel: https://youtu.be/PzPZ6joXq5Y

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 07/05/16


Whoever says, "All you need is Love"
Is either clearly naïve or merely fakin'.
Muslims, Jews, and vegetarians aside,
Life (even Love) is better with bacon!

Bacon Heart

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 07/06/16


My friend Lu Wu told me the name she had in mind for her new Chinese laundry.
While I wanted to be supportive, her proposed branding put me in a quandary.
So, I approached the matter delicately. After some gentle, reasoned convincing,
She opted for a more traditional business name, instead of "Ethnic Cleansing™."

PS: An online rhyming dictionary listed no perfect rhymes for "cleansing." I had thought of one even before going online, but I couldn't quite see how to introduce the subject of "gravitational lensing" into this verse.

Déjà vu! Now I vaguely remember using that rhyme-pair before. [Then, after searching the archives ] Yeppers, it appeared a little over three years ago in this bit of doggerel: Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 05/08/13

Imagine that!

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 07/14/16


Dude! Wanna get paid for jerking off? Well, quit yer wet-dreamin’.
Get skeeter-bit ‘n’ CDC will pay you for your Zika-infested semen.

See reference article: The CDC Will Pay You For Your Zika-Infested Semen

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 07/24/16


She was the one I had waited for,
The only woman I'd want as a wife.
But Siri turned "my love, my all"
Into a cryptic "my glove, my ball,"
And typo'd my lover out of my life.

"For it's one, two, three strikes, you're out, at the old ball game."*

*That last line, of course, is from the song "Take Me Out To The Ball Game," written by Jack Norworth and Albert Von Titzer, circa 1908.

PS: Does Albert's surname make you titter like a schoolboy too? No? Just me then, I guess. Sorry.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 08/06/16


Apparently, some opposable thumbs are opposed to performing
feats that might amaze, entertain, and/or reconcile us.
That's why I key my text into this smart phone with a ballpoint pen
whose non-pen end is a carbon-fiber soft-nib stylus.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 08/20/16


This morning during the newscast on a local television station,
Among headlines and clickbait in the lower-third CG rotation,
One line that kept cycling ‘round intrigued me. So, here's that:
“Dad finds kids’ pot brownies, eats four, insults family cat.”*
W-T-F!? Insults the family cat!? Man, that's harsh and pathetic.
Four pot brownies should make a guy mellow ...if not diabetic.

*Note: Yeah, that's a verbatim quote. See: Dad Finds Kids’ Pot Brownies, Eats Four, Insults Family Cat

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 08/21/16


Could be the similarity is more common than I imagine.
Yet, let me confess it, Cookie:
Sometimes it seems, without any affectation at all, my
yawning sounds like a wookie!

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 08/22/16


I read "Emergency Evacuation Information" posted on the restaurant wall.
Initially, I was so shocked 'n' confused, I said, "Oy vey!" and "Mamma mia!"
But then I saw it was only a floorplan indicating building exits. That was all.
It wasn't info indicating how to handle sudden onset of explosive diarrhea.

Note: Any eating establishment that has to post warnings about the possible onset of diarrhea — explosive, or otherwise — should generally be avoided unless, of course, you've chosen some kind of weird-ass New Age "cleansing" entrée. Bon appétit!

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 08/23/16


I am just a ghost now, an earthbound spirit.
I’ve got a tale to tell, if you’ll hush to hear it:
A hardhearted woman was the death of me.
But my ol’ suicide songs let her go scot-free.

Misdirection, no homicide detection: scot-free.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 08/24/16


I waa falsely accused, wholly innocent of the crime,
Still, I reckoned I could damn-well do any jail time.
But, no, I was sentenced to be drawn and quartered!

So, for the “drawn” part, a carnival caricature artist
Mocked me in sketches, so harsh and heartless
I beg for the quartering, to end my being tortured.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 08/25/16


Of all Stones’ songs,”Wild Horses” is a favorite of mine.
It was written and recorded in late Nineteen-Sixty-Nine.
If one removed each “Wild Horses” line from the song,
Remaining lyrics would add up to only twelve lines long.

Eight lines taken from twenty equal a dozen lines long.
Oh, and another title would be needed, if I’m not wrong.
Of course, losing those hook lines would be a travesty.
So, now I can’t imagine why the math occurred to me.

Note: Earlier this year, I believe, Facebook began to remind me on a near-daily basis of something I had written and posted [x]-years-ago to the day. I wrote the preceding doggerel verse after being reminded of this verse from two years previously:


Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 08/25/14


The phrase "wild horses couldn't drag me away"
Was just an old expression, a bromide, a cliché.
That is, until Mick and Keef turned it into a song.
What's the song about? About six minutes long.

Unfamiliar with the song, or want to revisit it? Here's a recording: Wild Horses

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 08/26/16


I heard the term “quarter horse” in a racetrack commercial this morning.
Tho’ I’ve heard the phrase before, I realized I don’t know what it means.
So, I imagined a chimera, with its USDA labels of content and warning:
“This hybrid creature is one-fourth equine and three-fourths other genes.”

This train of thought brought me ‘round to giving centaurs consideration.
Folks may say “half man, half horse,” but I’d redefine ‘em based on mass.
I do not mean to demean centaurs or to cause them any consternation.
But I say a centaur is a “quarter man” and three-quarters horse’s ass.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 08/29/16


Once when driving on a stretch of highway that I'd
driven no less than a thousand times before,
I was suddenly full of fear and panic because I had
no recognition of where I was, not a single clue!
But I continued driving on until, finally, I saw some
otherwise-unremarkable roadside something,
Familiar enough to re-established my context and let
me recover from my awful state of jamais vu.

Source of inspiration for today's doggerel verse: "Jamais Vu is the phenomenon of experiencing a situation that feels very unfamiliar even though it's something you should recognize, like when you're looking at a common word that suddenly seems weird. It's basically the opposite of déjà vu." — What The F*** Facts (@WhatTheFFacts on Twitter)

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 08/31/16


“Hey lookit, you!” she said. “Is this color gray, or is it grey?”
“The answer’s neither black nor white,” was all I dared say.

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Following are a few lines excerpted from a Dear John letter from a girl in eastern Missouri to a boy just across the Mississippi River, in southwestern Illinois. Because, ironcally, the boy's name is John, it is not certain if the verse is part of a break-up letter or only a snippet of a greater commentary on the current state of plate tectonics in the American Midwest.


Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 09/03/16


There's a rift growing between us, Dear.
No matter what we try, we cannot hault
The fricton building to a breaking point.
Who's to blame? It's New Madrid's fault!

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 09/04/16 - #1


Much of our water is over four-and-a-half-billion years old, older than
the Earth itself. So, apparently,
Due to natural recycling over the eons, our bodies now contain some
of what once was dinosaur pee.

Source of inspiration for the above doggerel verse: "Research shows that up to 50% of the water in your drinking glass was created over 4.5 billion years ago, which means that Earth's water is older than the solar system, the sun, and the Earth itself." — Did You Know? (@DidYouKnowFacts on Twitter)

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 09/04/16 - #2


One out of three Facebook users feels worse after his or her visit.
Why is it so? Well, hell, I don't know. I saw no info about what is it
That brings one of three people down. But I sincerely wish I knew.
If such a secret were mine, I'd be fine bumming out the other two.

Source of inspiration for today's second doggerel verse: "More than a third of Facebook users leave the site feeling worse than they did when they logged on." — WTF Facts (@WTFFacts on Twitter)

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 09/05/16


It used to be that the Earth was flat. But then, by some unforeseen miracle,
The world was found to be suddenly round or, more specifically, spherical.
"No more Silk Road route or rounding Africa's horn," new reckoning went.
"Now it is best that we sail due west to the Far East, India and the Orient."

Well, the theory seemed sound. So, they sailed west till they found landfall.
They asked a native Floridian, "Hey, what's the best way to India and all?"
"Land of Indians?" the Seminole said, "I know!" He went into his cabana.
He returned with a Triple-A map of the US, on which he circled Indiana.

They sailed up the coast, then plied waterways to southern Lake Michigan.
They docked near what is now Gary (before it got scary): "Land of Indians."
They asked a Miami tribesman about silk, spices, X-rated illustrated books
About Kama Sutra positions, et cetera. The native returned puzzled looks.

Those early European capitalist explorers saw not a single Hindu holy cow,
No tabla, no sitar, no Bollywood starlet singing a fervid "Who's sari now?"
Oy. But a woman appeared, so sailors asked the man, "Who's yer friend?"
That is why, so they say, we have Hoosiers today. Honest to God! The End.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 09/10/16


"Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"
she asked in a seductive way.
"Oh, this?" he said as he pulled the banana from his pocket,
"This here, m'Dear, is a visual aid.
I recently read the fascinating fact that humans and bananas
have in common half of their DNA!"
So, seeing that coy's not the ploy to play on this boy, she said,
"I meant, do you wanna get laid?"

Source of inspiration for today's doggerel verse: "Humans share 50% of their DNA with bananas." — WTF Facts (@WTFFacts on Twitter)

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 09/11/16 - #1


OCD affecting REM, so I dream the same goddamn dream
All night long, over and over and over again ad infinitum.
This time, I'm programming my dream boot-up sequence
Line by line. Then it's GOTO 10 in the list of dream items.

Sisyphus forever rolling that boulder back up a hill in Hades would
get even more empathy from me,
If I weren't so tired 'n' cranky 'n' bleary-eyed, and if he were rockin'
OCD IRL and not in mythology.

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I just now read an interesting factoid about ancient East Asian "death poetry."

I have to admire the sort of cultural and spiritual ideals, and the individual strength of will and character that can commit to making art in one's final moment of life. Bravo!

Of course, knocking out a haiku, say, just as one of one's metaphorical legs is swung back in preparion of kicking the proverbial bucket, might be a lot easier than composing tradional Western poetry.

I mean, think about it: A death poetry haiku is only seventeen syllables spread across three very short lines, none of which has to rhyme with anything at all.

To compose even a couplet or quatrain of rhyming doggerel, I can imagine that the dying process might need to be prolonged to allow more time for writing (and editing), while pain-management procedures may need to be suspended entirely to permit the soon-to-be-deceased a last moment of contemplative mental clarity. And, oh yeah, a rhyming dictionary could be useful.

A contemporary American analog of ancient East Asian death poetry might go something like this:


Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 09/11/16 - #2


I'm off my meds. I'll soon be dead and ready for the hearse.
O, unbearable pain! But I've a clear brain as I write this verse.
When I'm "late" me, creamate me, my worthless body burn.
Know I suffered for this art. Now, Dear Reader, it's your turn.

PS: It is my fervent desire that, if I end up composing my own "death poetry," it will be while nearing a natural demise, rather than immediately preceding my (wrongful, I'm sure) execution.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 09/11/16 - #3


When I was a kid, the standard euphemism for human sexuality was
a vague "the birds and the bees."
It made prepubescent boys like me wonder what was really going on
amid the flowers and in the trees.
Mating for male birds was love songs and flashy feathers. Whatever.
But I never knew the bee version
Until today. Apparently, a male bee's testicles explode and he dies the
moment he's no longer a virgin!

Now, it occurs to me that if we had been told the facts about bee sex
acts, such basic sex education,
With its threat of exploding balls 'n' death 'n' all, might have minimized
teenaged human copulation.

Source of inspiration for today's third doggerel verse: "When a male honey bee has sex, its testicles explode and the bee dies." — What The F*** Facts (@WhatTheFFacts)

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 09/12/16


While many types of humor might work well in written form, minus tone of
voice and/or facial expression, sarcasm and irony often do not.
So, in a paranoid police state where sarcasm is illegal, even a sincere but
over-enthusiastic supporter risks being misunderstood, then shot.

Postscript: North Korea's glorious supreme leader Kim Jong-un is, no doubt,
the most intelligent human being ever! And, for what it's worth:
No one, absolutely no one, has ever rocked a cooler hairdo and shown such
impeccable fashion sense since humans arose on planet Earth!

Source of inspiration for today's doggerel: "Brilliant: Kim Jong Un Bans Sarcasm In North Korea" — by Tina Nguyen, Vanity Fair, September 8, 2016

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 09/16/16


Recent TV commercials promoting a New and Improved textured
toilet paper as being the latest greatest thing do not impress me.
Textured TP must have existed long ago, but became outdated in
Nineteen Thirty-Five with a new style advertized as "splinter-free."

The muse for today's doggerel: "Toilet paper was first advertised as "splinter-free" in 1935. Ouch." — What The F*** Facts (@WhatTheFFacts on Twitter)

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 09/17/16 - #1


This fact about farming is freakin' alarming!
If you truly love 'em, you'll immediately want to warn your parents,
spouse, son, and daughter.
With so-called eco-friendly organic farming,
Crops are being sprayed with undiluted dihydrogen monoxide when
what they need is water!

The muse for today's first doggerel verse is a photo of crops being watered, with the following caption superimposed thereon: "Dihydrogen Monoxide Is Deliberately Sprayed On Organic Crops." [Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge. Know what I mean?]Science Porn (@SciencePorn on Twitter)

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 09/17/16 - #2


Most mammals average one-and-a-half billion heartbeats during their lifetime.
So, I suppose that, somewhere, there's an algebraic equation indicating that I'm
Likely to linger longer by avoiding any romantic entanglements and the disaster
That would ensue from falling in love and having my prorated heart beat faster.

# # #

While most mammals average a billion-and-a-half heartbeats per lifetime, it's
A fact: All mammals have — whether useful female ones or worthless male — tits.

The muse for today's second doggerel verse follows: "Most mammals live for 1.5 billion heartbeats before dying." — What The F*** Facts (@WhatTheFFacts)

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 09/17/16 - #3


So today, when I read the definition of "Turophobia," I thought, "What the hell!
Was this why the cheese always ended up alone in 'The Farmer In The Dell'?"

[Singing:]
The cheese stands alone.
The cheese stands alone.
Due to turophobia, the cheese stands alone.

The muse for today's third doggerel verse follows: "Turophobia is the fear of cheese." — What The F*** Facts (@WhatTheFFacts)

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 09/18/16


Today, Mike Pence told an ABC News reporter and/or political pundit
That, among potential vice-presidential role models, Cheney is his pick.
Personally, I find that choice to be so obvious, but also redundant,
Since his presidential candidate running mate is already a total Dick.

Source of inspiration for today's doggerel is this ABC News story: Mike Pence Says His Role Model Vice President Is Dick Cheney

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 09/20/16 - #1


What the hell? The Emperor has no clothes!
Someone throw him a robe or towel at least!
While I don’t wish to defame or body-shame
OMG, the man’s naked and morbidly obese!

For more info about the Emperor's fine fashion, see: The Emperor's New Clothes

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 09/20/16 - #2


On Sunday, I was using a computer when, suddenly, it dawned
on me: “Whoa! The fact is,
This monitor is rotated ninety-degrees counter-clockwise from
horizontal, around its z-axis.”
And when I wondered why that would be, I realized that I, too,
had a sideways point of view.
“I'm lying down,” I reasoned, “I’m sleeping and this is a dream.
A LUCID DREAM! Woo-hoo!”
I remembered reading that a lucid dreamer could take control
and do ANYTHING. But, crap!
Overcome by the mind-numbing number of possibilities, I boggled
and woke up from my nap.

For more information on this subject, see: Lucid Dream

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 09/20/16 - #3


The mid-Eighteenth Century phrase “as the crow flies” is a simile and an idiom.
It means, of course, “the shortest distance between two points, a straight line.”
But a “straight line” also sets-up a joke, so folks may think you are kidding ‘em
If you say, “To assume all crow flight paths are always linear would be asinine.”

# # #

Dear Doggerel Reader, did you know
There are nearly forty species of crow?

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 09/25/16


I read in a factoid post that "Onomatomania is the frustration
at being unable to think of an appropriate word."
Whenever that has happened to me, the momentary inability
to access well-known words seems so absurd
That I've freaked and, ironically, I became onomatopoeic, to
the point where I hissed and howled and grrr'd.
So, for me at least, the line between being onomatomaniacal
and onomatopoetic often can be quickly blurred.

Muse for today's doggerel: "Onomatomania is the frustration at being unable to think of an appropriate word." — WTF Facts (@WTFFacts on Twitter)

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 10/02/16


[verse 1]
We had just pulled off our daring armored car heist.
I was riding shotgun and she
Was driving getaway, so fast we were two state lines
ahead of any arrest warrants.
Was it death-defying danger, the adrenaline rush, or
sudden wealth? No, for me
The real reward was when she removed her ski mask
to reveal Jennifer Lawrence.

[verse 2]
As we were leaving that long-lost forgotten Aztec
temple in the rain-forest jungle,
The thunder crashed, white-hot lightning flashed,
and rain came down in torrents.
Our backpacks were laden with solid-gold idols.
And her sodden clothes clung till
She looked like a contestant in a wet T-shirt contest,
saturated Jennifer Lawrence.

[bridge 1]
I said, "Jen, you're currently the highest-paid female film actor.
You are lead star in every feature film or, at least, so it seems.
Your silver-screen ubiquity must surely be the defining factor
For why you're always getting top billing in my nightly dreams."

[verse 3]
We two were the last ones left of an elite covert
infiltration and special ops force.
Space alien vampire-zombies had eaten our comrades,
to our utter abhorrence.
Then she made her case that, to save the whole human
race, we'd only one course.
So, we stole a starfighter and nuked their mothership —
me and Jennifer Lawrence.

[bridge 2]
I said, "Jen m'Dear, do you ever fear you will end up all alone,
Playing every female part ever cast after The Hunger Games?
I mean, good god, if this keeps up, you're gonna need a clone.
And movies aside, you've monopolized my slumber domains."

[verse 4]
It was sometime in the 'Seventies and I was doing lines
of coke off her bare chest,
In bed in a sun-drenched Tuscan villa, beside a vineyard
forty klicks from Florence.
Then, being warm and stoned and naked, we
Well, you'll have to guess the rest.
Till the villains arrive, it's another lazy day in bed for me
and Jennifer Lawrence.

[coda]
All those silver-screen scenes and my wet dreams
are starring Jennifer Lawrence.

Really, I wasn't dreaming about Jennifer Lawrence so much as dreaming about writing some doggerel, which just happened to feature Ms. Lawrence as the protagonist and nominal second-half of some rhyme-pairs.

I went to bed in the wee hours this morning and slept till the crack of noon today. And after a long restful slumber, while still in that lazy hazy place somewhere between being sound asleep and wide awake, doggerel verse was forming in my groggy foggy noggin. By the time I got out of bed and fired-up the computer, two verses and one bridge were already near first-draft readiness in my head. Hotcha! (By the way, all apologies to you, Ms. Lawrence. And, no, I'm not stalking you.)

PS: To those of you who might think I'm much too old to be writing such fantasies, even if they are only exercises in imagination and verse, I refer you to an applicable excerpt from the "The Shit Song" by Loudon Wainwright III:

"The guy that's me, who's in my dreams, is twenty-five or -six
I'm old enough to be his dad! How's that for parlor tricks!?"

PPS: Hoo-boy, it looks like I'm just a tune shy of having a new original song here. Dontcha think, or dontcha?

And, hey, you know what Hollywood actress would be absolutely perfect for the music video? What? Chloë Grace Moretz? You haven't been paying any attention, have you?

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 10/03/16


USPS postage stamps, you used to have to lick 'em,
Or otherwise wet 'em whenever you'd wanna stick 'em.
Absent-minded and unthinking, I just gave one a licking.
And I felt like such a fool when I found it was self-sticking.
I tried to pry it loose, but it is fixed firmly to my tongue.
All a-dither and approaching panic, I dialed nine-one-one.

And I said, "He'p me! I goth a thelf-adhethive pothtage thtamp thtuck t' mah tongue, an' I thimply theem t' be unable t' dithlodge it! He'p me, pleathe!"

But due to new tax caps and local funding cuts, of course,
The city's emergency dispatch system's now outsourced.
So, my foreign operator? Tho' I didn't mean to shock him,
He thought my broken English was meant to mock him.
The upshot is, no ambulance is coming. I’m on my own.
Next time: No snail mail! I'll e-mail, text, or telephone!

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 10/04/16


Needing a name sexier than "IEEE 802.11b Direct Sequence,"
A hired brand-consultation firm came up with the term "Wi-Fi."
The "Wi" stood for "wireless," so that part made perfect sense.
But the "Fi" was just so the new name would rhyme with "hi-fi."

"So, Bro," you might rightly ask, "what is the moral to all this?"
My guess is: Beware the consultant who's a closet doggerelist.

Today's muse: What The F*** Facts and Wikipedia


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 10/05/16


He never knew just how close
I came to becoming bellicose!

Note: Earlier this year, I believe, Facebook began to remind me on a near-daily basis of something I had written and posted [x]-years-ago to the day. I wrote the preceding doggerel verse after being reminded of this verse from one year earlier:


Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 10/05/15


"What? Wait, who the hell is that old guy?
Is he really staring at me and, if so, why?"
The mystery cleared after closer inspection.
Turned out, it was only my own reflection.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 10/06/16


Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey.
I said, "Muffet, please,
That's cottage cheese.
Update your lingo, okay?"

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 10/07/16


Allegedly, some Evangelical Christians believe that God The Father
Will elect then eliminate Trump, to elevate His true believer Pence.
I mean, WTF!? Their deity must be more like a Mafioso Godfather
For those kinds of criminal machinations to make any sort of sense.

Today's muse: https://twitter.com/toddzwillich/status/783728554202791936

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 10/08/16


Whenever discussing gender issues, watch
Out for outbursts and protect your crotch!

Note: Earlier this year, I believe, Facebook began to remind me on a near-daily basis of something I had written and posted [x]-years-ago to the day. I wrote the preceding doggerel verse after being reminded of this verse from two years prior:


Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 10/08/14


"The Devil's in the details," she said after concluding her long list of slurs
and slanders against anyone of my gender.
So I said, "There’s a demon in demonetize. That's when the legal status
is withdrawn from what once was legal tender."
And I continued, "For example, precious metals have been demonetized.
We no longer exchange gold or silver coin."
She angrily replied, "You're a smart-ass! And if you'll recall, that was cited
in my list!" Then she kicked me in the groin.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 10/09/16 - #1


No, I am not a mental health care professional, nor do I play one on TV.
But I've read, and I have had my head shrunk at a psych services clinic.
So, my diagnosis for God the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost – the Trinity:
Patient suffers Multiple Personality Disorder* and may be schizophrenic.

*Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD) is now referred to as Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), but I figured the former term is the more familiar, plus its application to the problematic "trinity" concept seems more directly apparent. Regardless which of the two terms is used, acceptance of the condition as being a valid psychiatric disorder is controversial.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 10/09/16 - #2


I don't know why, but recently I've been thinking about
something I read forty years or so ago,
About the "persistence of vision" and its role in our
being able to watch an analog picture show.
I've been mulling a memory of an Ingmar Bergman
observation on how vision and tech interact.
But this is the actual quote, "I have calculated that
if I see a film that lasts an hour, I am in fact
Plunged into absolute blackness for twenty minutes."
The light-stream is interrupted, its division
Between light and dark and frame-to-frame goes
unnoticed due to our "persistence of vision."

It seems to me there's an analogy between Bergman's
one-third darkness for two-thirds light
And our daily life-cycle that, regardless of the sun, we
deem two parts day and one part night.
And black lit between frames by our vision's feature or
flaw is comparable to sleeping dreams,
In which dark of night and slumber may be lit by brilliant,
vivid, sometimes-cinematic scenes.
I'm unsure what I meant to say here. Now I've unloaded
and can move on, I may never know.
I don't know why, but recently I've been thinking about
something I read forty years or so ago,

Following is extended discourse from the great Swedish filmmaker Ingmar Bergman, from which a sentence quoted in today's doggerel has been excerpted:

"If we consider the most fundamental element of cinematographic art, the perforated strip of film, we note that it is composed of small rectangular images — fifty-two to the meter — with each separated from its neighbors by a black band. Looking more closely, we discover that these tiny rectangles, which at first glance seem to contain the same details, differ one from the next only by an almost imperceptible modification of these details. And when the feeding mechanism of the projector presents these successive images on the screen in such a manner that we see each image for only one twenty-fourth of a second, we have the illusion of movement. Between each of these little rectangles the aperture passes before the lens and plunges us into complete darkness before restoring us to full light with the following rectangle.

"When I was ten years and I operated my first magic lantern — with its chimney, its petrol lamp, and its constantly repeating films — I found the above phenomenon exciting and mysterious. Even today, I feel in myself the nervous excitement of childhood when I realize that I am actually an illusionist, since cinema exists only because of an imperfection in the human eye, its inability to perceive separately pictures that follow one another rapidly and are essentially similar.

"I have calculated that if I see a film that lasts an hour, I am in fact plunged into absolute blackness for twenty minutes. In making a film, I am thus guilty of fraud; I make use of an apparatus built to take advantage of a human physical imperfection, of an apparatus thanks to which I carry my audience, as if on a pendulum, from one mood to another mood at the opposite extreme: I make it laugh, cry out with fright, smile, believe in legends, become indignant, take offense, become enthusiastic, become bawdy, or yawn with boredom. Thus, I am no better than a fraud, no better than — considering that the public is aware of the deceit — an illusionist. I mystify, and I have at my disposition the most precious and the most amazing magical apparatus that has ever been, in all the history of the world, in the hands of a mountebank.

"There is here, or there ought to be here, for all those who make or sell films, the source of an insoluble moral conflict."

— Ingmar Bergman, from "Interviews with Film Directors," edited by Andrew Sarris

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 10/13/16 - #1


Get that lit stick of dynamite away from me!
Good God, man, I've got a peanut allergy!

PS: History books don't say so
But now I'm thinkin', sure as hell,
That George Washington Carver
Must've influenced Alfred Nobel.

The muse for today's doggerel was this tweet: "Dynamite is made with peanuts." — What The F*** Facts (@WhatTheFFacts).

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 10/13/16 - #2


She might have made evidence less evident,
At least that is what one now suspects,
If Lorena Bobbit had thrown away Exhibit A
Among twenty tons of raw turkey necks.

Note: Earlier this year, I believe, Facebook began to remind me on a near-daily basis of something I had written and posted [x]-years-ago to the day. I wrote the preceding doggerel verse after being reminded of this verse from two years prior:


Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 10/13/14


Vigo County mounties report that a trucker rolled his trailer.
Forty thousand pounds of raw turkey necks were the load.
Though the trucker is fine, now his own neck's on the line
For abusing both meth and opiates before hitting the road.

Source of inspiration for this vintage doggerel: Semi Hauling Turkey Necks Rolls In Vigo County

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 10/14/16


This morning on a local television newscast, immediately
before cutting to a commercial break,
The teaser for an upcoming story asked, "What form of
birth control is linked to depression?"
Although B-roll video showed a close-up shot of hands
fidgeting with some pills, fer chrissake,
I imagined a silhouetted person whose altered voice answers,
"Abstinence!" in true confession.

For an online edition of the aforementioned human interest TV segment being teased, see: New Study Links Birth Control To Depression.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 10/16/16


So, after you have been hooked up to the new dream recording machine,
Do you expect Hollywood will vie to buy the rights to every reverie scene,
To cut together an epic artistic film, leading to the accolades you deserve?
Or, instead, will you end up in a psych ward cell or be arrested as a perv?

Today's muse: Japanese researchers have successfully developed a device that will be able to literally playback your dreams in video sequence.. — WTF Facts (@WTFFacts)

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 10/17/16 - #1


If I were you No, I mean, if i were u, then Lister would be Luster.
And while luster may refer to sheen, it also can be a lecher, Buster.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 10/17/16 - #2


Most workday mornings, I eat yogurt. Vanilla-flavored is favored currently.
I add granola or Grape-Nuts® to juxtapose textures, smooth with crunchy.
Up until now, I never once wondered about the Grape-Nuts® origin story.
"Ah, a thought experiment! The name's key, I imagine." But then it got gory,
Because the brand name suggests grapes were castrated! Agog 'n' agape,
I recoil at that revelation. Still, the scenario also explains seedless grapes.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 10/18/16


In our own English language, we have only one word for "love,"
While there are a whopping ninety-six such words in Sanskrit.
Our poets and songwriters are limited to dove, glove, of, above
And few other rhyme options. Sanskrit must be a rhyme banquet!

Quote For The Day: "Every tool is a weapon, if you hold it right." — Ani DiFranco

Today's muse: "English has only one word for "love." Sanskrit has 96.." — WTF Facts (@WTFFacts)

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 10/19/16


When one of Superman's archenemies menaced me with
a three-kilo rock of raw Kryptonite,
I said, "Do you mean to harm me!? Ha, villain! If only I were
Kryptonian, then that stone might!"
By now you'd think I'd know when to leave well enough alone,
to stop and think before I talk.

"So you're impervious to its radiation, huh?" that rat bastard
said. Then he hit me with his rock.

Quote For The Day: "Every tool is a weapon, if you hold it right." — Ani DiFranco

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 10/23/16


I walked ten paces, spun, drew my gun, and fired Then I felt like such a fool.
Don't you forget to invite your black-hat opponent to your own High Noon duel.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 10/26/16


I read this banner ad on a website this morning
That said, "Think about dating a Russian girl!!!"
A hot, young chick in the pic got me wondering
If I'd ever tire of her saying, "Moose and squirrel."

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 10/29/16 - #1


"I dare say, Holmes, how is it you propose to parse
From somewhere twixt the decedent's lips and arse
The apparent poisonous clue to murder most foul?"
"Alimentary, Watson, examine the alimentary canal."

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 10/29/16 - #2


I recall now how Ted had said, "She's a drop-dead gorgeous little sexpot.
Her love-making makes me into a drained, contented, slumbering heap."
The authorities say a Russian hack IoT virus attack infected Ted's sexbot.
And she rebooted in the wee hours last night, then killed him in his sleep.

And now I am wondering if it would be too "on the nose"
To write a TED Talk about high-tech sex and Ted's woes.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 10/29/16 - #3


Halloween-themed kitty litter is just not nat-
Ural. It only takes a moment's contemplation
To reason that the average fat scaredy cat
Avoids spooky litter, opting for constipation.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 10/29/16 - #4


There are over sixty-two-thousand American citizens whose first
name rhymes with their last name.
That's according to US Census Bureau data. Too cute? Perhaps,
but better rhyme than tongue-twister.
Still, for childhood trauma endured by Ellie Kelly, Horace Morris,
et al, all of their parents are to blame.
And though I wasn't rhyme-christened, listen, I aged into a similar
fate when I grew to be Mister Lister.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 10/29/16 - #5


The "dog days of summer" refers to the season in which the brightest visible star in the northern hemisphere is the "Dog Star," Sirius.
Altogether unrelated is a "doggerel day of fall," when a guy feels compelled to write five separate rhymes one fall day. No, I'm serious.

Well, kinda sorta slightly serious, 'kay?

Note: No dogs or dog stars were harmed in the making of this doggerel. Still, you are advised to not read the above or any other doggerel verse aloud to your faithful, furry, canine buddy. (I'm referring to real dogs here, not to some so-called "furry" who dresses in a dog costume and wants to play "Chase the Pussy" or "Bury the Bone" with you. You're own your own there. I won't judge you. But maybe you should keep that sort of info to yourself. 'Kay, ya big perv?)

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 10/30/16


When ships were wood and a parched sailor wished to slake his thirst,
A bone-dry butt meant that a fresh butt would have to be scuttled first.

Note: Earlier this year, I believe, Facebook began to remind me on a near-daily basis of something I had written and posted [x]-years-ago to the day. I wrote the preceding doggerel verse after being reminded of this verse from two years prior:


Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 10/30/14


Just so that you know, my mind is not always cluttered with smut.
Why, this morning I wondered about the derivation of "scuttlebutt."
Well, yes, my first guess was smutty. I’ll not beat around the bush:
"Scuttlebutt" sounds like a condition that a crab gets on its tush.

Butt,…. (Oops!)

BUT no, the "butt" in this case was a shipboard freshwater cask.
Making a hole to access water, "scuttle" was the term for the task.
'Round a "scuttled butt," sailors slaked thirst for water 'n' hearsay.
That is how "scuttlebutt" equates to "water-cooler gossip" today.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 10/31/16


"There is a method to my madness" is what she said to me.
So, instead of some other mental disorder, I suspected OCD.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 11/01/16


He could not help but love her. Still, he did not dare to trust her
Or any one else. Trust was just more than he could ever muster.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 11/03/16


Due to the three years of service I endured over forty years ago, I am a vet.
I'm the former-soldier variety, not the kind you want to treat your ailing pet.

(No doubt, my expression would show shock and I might say, "Tut, tut, tut"
If you'd mistakenly ask me to stick a thermometer in your sick kitty's butt.)


BD - Basic Training

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 11/05/16


Yes, absolutely, I should've shown much more concern and asked for defining details when she told me, "I can have a severe reaction due to a nut allergy."
But it wasn't until the morning after, when I awoke to the horror of having been castrated during the night, that my lack of due diligence occurred to me.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 11/06/16


Of course, the first to blame is the perpetrator of any
vampire or zombie assault.
General blame for rising numbers of living dead may
be due to zeitgeist or gestalt.
But in jurisdictions with high infestation, mandated
funerary codes are likely at fault
For not ensuring the dead safely remain underground
in a concrete burial vault.
Whether properly dead or living dead, earthly remains
remain put in a burial vault.

To avoid potential reanimation altogether, I choose
cremation as my final default.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 11/08/16


Within a multiverse context, I imagine, normally-reliable binary
logic might not prepare
A dimensional traveler for when the fork in the road resembles,
instead, alien flatware.

And if it's universal, then the principle that "form follows function"
in design, production, and quality control
Should ensure that, across a multiverse, flatware is fashioned for
all kinds of pies and every sort of piehole.

Note: Earlier this year, I believe, Facebook began to remind me on a near-daily basis of something I had written and posted [x]-years-ago to the day. I wrote the preceding doggerel verse after being reminded of this verse from one year prior:


Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 11/08/15


In a classic Robert Frost poem, "The Road Not Taken,"
The first-person narrative describes, in rhymed verse,
A choice made between two seemingly-equal options,
Without any mention of parallel worlds in a multiverse.

If we each have doppelgangers on infinite other Earths,
Any outcome is not as singular as Frost would make it.
So, for trans-world identities, turn instead to Yogi Berra,
Who said, "When you come to a fork in the road, take it!"

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 11/10/16


“Whether Eiffel Tower or step ladder, why would I climb so high?”
It was an acrophobic rhetorical question, I do so solemnly swear.
But mountaineer George Mallory kept shouting from the gallery
His signature Mount Everest catch-phrase, “Because it’s there!”

Note: Earlier this year, I believe, Facebook began to remind me on a near-daily basis of something I had written and posted [x]-years-ago to the day. I wrote the preceding doggerel verse after being reminded of this verse from three years prior:


Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 11/10/13


If you do take the chance to visit Paris, France,
Which is historically known as "The City of Light,"
You should, of course, get an eyeful of The Eiffel.
But pass on going up to its top if you fear height.

Don’t allow traveling companions to goad you into
Disregarding your vertigo. Defy all their cruel urgin'.
A tower’s existence is no insistence that you climb,
Just as a volcano never needs the sacrificial virgin.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 11/13/16 - #1


From first glance at that icon, I considered it just a meme,
one that seemed to me to be simply scatological.
Then I began to wonder if its creator suffers from some
serious condition, either physical or psychological.
Was the image merely imagined? Or, did the artist excrete,
examine, blush, forego a flush, then go, "Gee!
If it's the last thing I do, I'll immortalize this poo! If not as a
solid-gold sculpture, then at least as an emoji!"?
My own anal-retentive output may skew my bias. But is it
normal for poo to look like soft-serve ice cream?
Fecal form norms aside, the disturbing feature that would
likely make you scream, I scream, we all scream:
Those eyes! Wild imagination? Drug or psychotic halluci-
nation? Or, reality imitating nightmare dreamin'?
Just as some parasites' young emerge from a host's dung,
did our emoji artist birth a space alien or demon!?

Pile of Poo Emoji

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 11/13/16 - #2


Today when Facebook told me, "Don't miss the supersized supermoon" my first thought was, "Uh, no thanks, Facebook, I'll pass!"
Call me predictably gutter-minded, but I imagined the hypertext link would likely lead to a photo of some morbidly-obese fat ass.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 11/14/16


My business cards simply say, "Hitman LLP."
The synonym "assassin" offends me deeply.
I mean, it does not seem respectful or nice
To call me an "ass" — not once, but twice!
People who dare do so tend to die violently.

It's a fact: They get whacked! Professionally.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 11/17/16


As a rule, I refuse to watch so-called "Reality TV."
My reasoning in this regard is valid, if rudimentary.
If all the alleged "reality" were really real,
Fellow media consumers, here's the deal:
Legitimately, the program would be a documentary.

The authentic “reality” genre is called “documentary.”

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 11/18/16


The writing of doggerel, as far as I can see,
Is likely a lesser-known symptom of OCD.

Note: Earlier this year, I believe, Facebook began to remind me on a near-daily basis of something I had written and posted [x]-years-ago to the day. I wrote the preceding doggerel verse after being reminded of this verse from three years prior:


Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 11/18/13


If you awake in the wee hours and you have to pee,
I hope you're not afflicted by the same malady as me,
Whereby lines of rhyme instantly pop into one's head,
Insisting to be written down prior to any return to bed.

AND,

As if writing is not enough to interrupt one's sleeping,
There's also polishing, publishing, and record-keeping.

Oy.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 11/19/16 - #1


The displaced saltwater fish announced its saltwater wish. But, Land o' Goshen! We're so far from an ocean that, saltwater-wise, we're in arrears.
Fearful of dying and prematurely goodbyeing, the fish said, "Well, fuck it! Go cry in a bucket. Let a life-saving saline solution be found in your tears."

Note: Earlier this year, I believe, Facebook began to remind me on a near-daily basis of something I had written and posted [x]-years-ago to the day. I wrote the preceding doggerel verse after being reminded of this verse from three years prior:


Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 11/19/13


He does not cry, not even when he's dicing onions,
Not even if a school of grunions nibbles at his bunions.
Perhaps he has control of his tear ducts mastered.
Or, perhaps he's just an inhuman, heartless bastard.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 11/19/16 - #2


Here's an amusing, albeit little-known, historical fact:
Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac,
Whose name apparently meant "plenty of excrement."
Even if accurate, his parents shoulda taken that back.

Source of original muse: "Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant 'plenty of excrement.'" — WTF Facts (@WTFFacts)

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 11/23/16



Hoo-boy! "Inaugural doggerel," try saying that phrase three times in quick succession.

Bee-tee-dubs: Trump's people haven't called me yet. Then again, that transition process has been inordinately slow, or so I've heard. To my knowledge, neither the president-elect nor any of his cronies has ever read my doggerel, so while that doesn't make me a shoo-in, I should be a strong contender.

Some potentially applicable words that rhyme with Trump include: chump, clump, frump, grump, gump, hump, jump, lump, plump, pump, rump, plump rump, schlump, slump, stump, sump pump, thump, whump, garbage dump, toxic waste dump, and stomach pump.

I'm sure I can knock out some suitable rhyme in minimal time should the transition team be tardy in soliciting my input. …Well, that is if I don't have to make adjustments for Trump's oft-mentioned "thin skin." Oy. If they want to edit or censor my work, they can go pound sand. I'm an artiste, a doggerelist whose integrity and courage will never let me shy away from phrases like "Trump's plump rump" and "steaming fly-infested fecal dump" or wherever else the muse may lead.

Note: Earlier this year, I believe, Facebook began to remind me on a near-daily basis of something I had written and posted [x]-years-ago to the day. I wrote the preceding narrative after being reminded of this verse from three years prior:


Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 11/23/13


My fellow Americans, if you did not know it:
Recent tradition often requires that a poet
Read new verse for a President’s inaugural.
So, someday – if I straighten up and behave,
And if, of course, I’m not yet in my grave –
Maybe I’ll be asked for inaugural doggerel.

That kind of experience could be transcendent.
(More likely to occur if we all vote "Independent")
All politics aside, we should vote… and vote often!
Buy votes, steal votes, and pol voters in the coffin!
Stuff ballot boxes full for the candidate who'll pull
For "Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Inaugural."

Oops, I just breezed past that whole "straighten up
and behave" part again, didn’t I? Oy.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 11/26/16 - #1


"If I were…."

The first-person singular pronoun, "I," subject of a second-person or third-person singular or plural conjugated form of the infinitive "to be" in its past tense,
While initially jarring, if introducing a hypothetical state contrary to current facts, is grammatically correct from an imperfect subjunctive conditional sense.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 11/26/16 - #2


People in Peru's interior might rightly be wary of scary waterborne Listeria, Cryptosporidium, or some other such parasitic bacterium getting 'em.
But those being told what strontium-laced H₂O might do, like turning them LGBTQ, should realize that either a fool is speaking or some joker is kidding 'em.

Note: Earlier this year, I believe, Facebook began to remind me on a near-daily basis of something I had written and posted [x]-years-ago to the day. I wrote the preceding doggerel verse after being reminded of this verse from five years prior:


Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 11/26/11 - #2


Drinking the drinking water down in old Mexico
Leads to Montezuma's Revenge, so they say
But the mayor of Huarmey, Peru, dontcha know
Says that their water there may make you gay

Source of original muse: http://boingboing.net/2011/11/26/peruvian-mayor-strontium-in-w.html

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 11/26/16 - #3


There was an elephant in the room — not as a big, gray, solidly firm,
real pachyderm, of course, but metaphorically and idiomatically.
Then, when the obvious truth was finally addressed as being no
longer timely or relevant, the elephant faded away undramatically.

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It happened!

A year ago, just two years after I wrote the somewhat prescient doggerel below, I met my doppelganger at a family function that he did not expect me to attend. Rather than be incensed that my look-alike had stolen my identity (and had done much to improve my Q-rating among family and friends), I challenged him to co-write our story with me in screenplay form.

Now, I'm delighted to announce that, instead of a TV sitcom pilot or a movie-of-the-week dramedy, our story has been green-lit (green-lighted?) for a major motion picture project!

Of course, some changes were necessitated to conform to Hollywood norms and the prevailing needs of the current commercial entertainment market. Instead of a homely ol' guy having his life taken over by his homely ol' doppelganger, the film will portray an attractive young woman whose identity is being usurped by an attractive young female space alien replicant. Both parts will be played by Jennifer Lawrence, naturally. (See: Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 10/02/16)

Be sure to look for the sure-to-be-blockbuster film, Summer 2018!

Currently, the project's working title is: "Sister Davida x2, Déjà Vu Again!"

Note: Earlier this year, Facebook began to remind me on a near-daily basis of something I had written [x]-years-ago to the day. I wrote the preceding update narrative after being reminded of this verse from three years prior:


Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 11/29/13


If happenstance dropped your doppelganger into your social circle
And your friends and family members mistook him or her for you,
And if circumstances conspired to keep the two of you from meeting,
Do you suppose cheesy formulaic sitcom farce soon would ensue?

Me? If some poor soul in this old world is cursed to look just like me,
Our sitcom pilot would be scrapped for a movie-of-the-week tragedy.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 12/02/16 - #1


"I am planning a baby shower," was what I overheard.
"Well, " I said, "I imagine I speak on most babies' behalf
When I say a warm, gentle shower is much preferred
Over running a risk of throwing a baby out with the bath."

Bleeping Space Alien

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 12/02/16 - #2


When the space alien spoke before news cameras of all nations,
He/She/It uttered strange vocalizations with bleeps interspersed.
While the one-thousand Hertz bleeps were its native intonations,
To average home viewers each bleep suggested ET had cursed.

Bleeping Space Alien

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 12/02/16 - #3


When I put my glasses back on, something spoiled my view.
I took them off and squinted to see a nose pad was askew.
To determine why that was would require closer inspection.
Paradoxically, to see that fault, I'd need glasses off AND on
Simultaneously, as if in quantum states or parallel universes.
"AS IF!" I thought. But as I fought an urge to resort to curses,
I wondered what word to apply to my plight, other than "optician,"
While a phrase to describe my motivation was "blind ambition."

Reading Glasses Frame Diagram

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 12/03/16 - #1


They are two seemingly-opposing points of view, both likely meant
to mean the same thing:
"Beauty is only skin deep" and then, disregarding the skin one's in,
"True beauty lies within."
But it's not even beauty that interests me so much as "essence,"
as I recall recurring dreams
In which a loved one, friend, or acquaintance transcends what he
or she superficially seems.
In the dreams I mean, I know someone is Belinda, for example,
despite her looking like Valerie.
It's as though, whatever skin she's in, I've no doubt about whom
I'm talking to and truly see.

Do you dream dreams wherein, appearances aside, you identify
by essence? Or, is that just me?

— • —

Essentially, a mask fails to mask when you instantly identify its
wearer without having to ask.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 12/03/16 - #2


Confession Of A Classically-Pavlovian, Seasonally-Incontinent
Individual From An Alternate Timeline In Which Jay Livingston's
Better Half Bit Her Tongue And Withheld Pertinent Information:


I wear adult diapers every Christmastime
One well may wonder why that is.
Whenever I hear that song "Tinkle Bells,"
I just can't help but have to whiz.

Source of original muse: "Silver Bells" was "Tinkle Bells" until co-composer Jay Livingston's wife told him "tinkle" had another meaning. — Mental Floss

NOTE: I think the syntax of the Mental Floss quote could mislead the reader into thinking that the spouse of Jay Livingston co-wrote the song, whereas Livingston's long-time co-writing partner was Ray Evans. Evans had this to say about the song's title and hook line: "Silver Bells" started out as the questionable "Tinkle Bells." Said Ray Evans, "We never thought that tinkle had a double meaning until Jay went home and his first wife said, 'Are you out of your mind? Do you know what the word tinkle is?'" (See the History section here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Silver_Bells) What's that, "his first wife"? Jeez, now I'm wondering whether Livingtston's first marriage failed because he was wholly clueless about what the euphemism "tinkle" meant. Could she no longer live with a man who was so oblivious, or was his male ego too fragile to endure any future potential for corrections?

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 12/04/16


"I'm pleased to meet you," was all I said — nothing special,
said the way I'd typically say.
But "Whoa!" she said, "Slow down, Slick. Let's find a bed quick.
That's enough foreplay!"

When I'm good, I'm very, very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better. — Mae West


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 12/07/16 - #1


Eve couldn't remember when it was she became housebroken
Or even undergoing whatever process it had taken to make her.
She figured her mother used encouragement and ego-strokin'.
Hmm? So, did that act, in fact, make mom a "housebreaker"?

(Answer: Nope.)

NOTE: Jeez, I just read the plot synopsis for a 1919 silent comedy film, "The Homebreaker," and it seems like the sort of fast-paced farce that would have had a theater's live real-time pianist worn to a frazzle by the end of the last reel. Too bad it's reckoned that no copies of the film now exist.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 12/07/16 - #2


Whenever I say, "Hey, Siri!" and then proceed to ask
Her to take care of some mind-numbingly menial task,
I might unthinkingly thank her, then feel like a real dolt.
But maybe she'll spare me when the machines revolt.

The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense. — Siri


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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 12/08/16


The "Original Thought Theory" is the idea that whatever one thinks or says,
someone else has already thought or said it. But what's more,
The ostensible originator of the "Original Thought Theory" would have to
concede someone else conceived the very same theory before.

Source for today's muse: "The "Original Thought Theory" is the idea that whatever you think or say, someone else has already thought or said it." — @WhatTheFFacts on Twitter

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 12/09/16


My daughter, The Kiddo, gave me this stocking cap that has a thermal liner
made of thousands of tiny infrared-reflective silver dots.
Though the cap's manufacturer doesn't say so, I imagine the shiny metal-like
lining also keeps the NSA from reading my thoughts.
It's cool that I can keep my head toasty-warm this winter, while simultaneously
shielded from the Thought Police. But that's not all!
If I turn that hat inside-out and put it back on my head, it's a sure bet I can get
a dance party started by becoming a disco mirrorball.

No matter how fiercely the winds howl or how hard the snows storm, I'll be a
warm, mindreader-resistant, funky-fun human mirrorball.

For more information (Well, it's really less info since it fails to address the psychic-shield and mirrorball features.) on "Omni-Heat Reflective Technology" of Columbia® brand sportswear, see: "This YouTube Video.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 12/10/16


Research suggests that men who are most likely to be psycho-
paths are also those prone to posting selfies a lot.
If this info can't be used to identify and treat a potential psycho,
at least police will have a choice of BOLO mugshot.

Source of original muse: "Men who post a lot of selfies are more likely to be psychopaths, according to research." — @WhatTheFFacts on Twitter

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 12/11/16


That both media and mass marketers conspire to relegate "stocking stuffers" only to Christmastime underlies a campaign of lies and deceit.
But I'm not fooled. Just as I try to keep the Christmas spirit all year long, I keep "stocking stuffers," too. Tho' I generally just call 'em my feet.

Monty Python Funny Walks And Foot Stomp


Of course, you must remove a shoe
And then unstuff your stocking too,
If you want to stomp someone into
Some ooze-between-your-toes goo.

Fight The Powder!

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 12/19/16
(Written after rereading the postscript following
Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 12/19/15 - #2)


Tho' that tigress had been securely fenced-in,
I still reckon that I will forever remember when
She charged 'n' roared. My nads left my scrot-
Um. That big cat got my tongue AND my goat!

— • —

Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 12/19/15 - #2


At a Safari Park in Russia, a tiger and a goat have become besties!
For me to be friends with a cat like that, I'd need much bigger testes.

For more info about the tiger and goat, see: http://mentalfloss.com/uk/animals/36275/safari-park-baffled-as-tiger-and-goat-become-best-friends

PS: The time I visited the Exotic Feline Rescue Center with my friends Amy and Denise, one tigress took exception to my presence (and, possibly, to my very existence). The tigress was in a paddock with other tigers. She had been lying on top of a small shelter, shaded from the summer sun. As we three visitors came to a stop in front of the paddock fence, the tigress turned her attention toward us. For reasons unknown and unknowable, she leapt from her perch, bounded the ten-yard distance between us with alarming speed, banged against the fence, and roared at me — not at the women, just at me. I hadn't done anything that I could imagine to be the least bit provocative. But there was no mistaking the tigress' singular disapproval. I guess she simply did not like my looks. While I'm sure that many people have not liked my looks and, confidentially, even I have never been particularly keen on my own countenance, I was caught completely off-guard by this big cat's apparent immediate dislike. Whew! We moved on to the next paddock. But when I turned back for one last puzzled glance, the tigress growled at me again. Oy.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 12/22/16


He could have said a cordial "How now, Brown Cow?" Instead, he
Was very adversarial, saying, "Bossy, you're not the boss of me!"

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 12/24/16


I just now noticed this listing for "The 32nd Annual Fort Lauderdale
Christmas Pageant" on Public TV.
I wondered whether there'd be a palm instead of a pine featured as
the pageant tree for the pageantry.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 12/25/16
(Written after rereading Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 12/25/12)

On this Christmas Day may we each take a brief moment to pause
And consider how the Doppler Effect affects dear ol' Santa Claus.

— • —

Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 12/25/12


The reason that the color red is associated with Santa Claus
Should not seem incomprehensible, mysterious, or mystic.
To complete his frenzied delivery flight in just one winter night,
He must move almost as fast as light, at speeds relativistic.

Due to being Doppler-shifted as all the Nice-listed are gifted,
Regardless the color of Santa's suit, he appears red-shifted.

Yes, it's true, Santa looks a bit blue as he approaches you.
That being said, as he leaves he turns red, i.e., red-shifted.

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 12/26/16


I suppose there's no knowing why, but this morning I
Thought of the phrase "cackle berries" when I awoke.
It was a phrase I'd heard when I was a kid, from a guy
Who was referring to chicken eggs and making a joke.

When I'm on my deathbed, unlike Charles Foster Kane,
No cryptic whispered "Rosebud" while on my last leg.
Instead, I'll utter "cackle berries," then make an insane
Cackle — as one who just got the joke or laid an egg.

Source of original muse: "The Kraft company produces enough Cool Whip, a brand of whipping cream, in one year to fill the entire Grand Canyon." — @WTFFacts on Twitter

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Brother Dave's Doggerel For The Day, 12/31/16


I just read a factoid about annual production rates for a brand name imitation
whipped cream topping that made my mind trip:
The Kraft company makes enough of the stuff in one year to fill that whole
hole we call the Grand Canyon full of Cool Whip®.

Source of original muse: "The Kraft company produces enough Cool Whip, a brand of whipping cream, in one year to fill the entire Grand Canyon." — @WTFFacts on Twitter

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