The Fire Bible
(Edited excerpt from an e-mail to a friend)
Earlier this morning, The Kiddo sent me a link to the following bit of faith-based nonsense. Thought I'd share:
When was the last time your [Sunday School or Bible Study] class saw how "HOT" God's Word is? Open this authentic-looking "bible" and begin to share the scripture for the day as real flames are seen coming from your "bible." This full-size book comes with a battery-operated ignition system. All you supply are the batteries, lighter fluid, and composure as your class gets excited. (Special Note: Fed-Ex shipping is available if you absolutely have to have the Fire Bible for this Sunday!)
Original Source: http://www.pick-me.com/specialeffects/firebible.htm
Well, m'Little Infidel, it's me again, yer ol' buddy Brother Dave.
Because the webpage that presents the Fire Bible to the wicked, web-surfin' world (and, yeah, to the Righteous, too, I guess) is kinda ho-hum, I started to think up a few slogans that might help spice up the page a bit, make it more marketable. With regard to performing a good deed today (as per my Christian duty, of course), I'm thinkin' 'bout sharing these captions with the Fire Bible people for free. Wha'd'ya think?
Here at The Fire Bible Brand Manufacturing Company, our motto is:
"We put the flame in the Flaming Believer... for Christ's sake!"
"The Fire Bible: It's a helluva Holy read!"
When you preach of fire and brimstone, Reverend,
Make those God-damned sinners feel the flame!
It's Fire Bible brand for the Lord's true firebrand,
And so, for Christ's sake, ask for it by name!
FIRE BIBLE (Accept no substitutes.)
"Blind 'em with the Light of God!" (And singe their eyebrows, too!)
Next time you're at a Church-sanctioned book-burning (or witch-burning),
and if at the critical moment your charismatic-but-less-than-fully-prepared
leader must turn to the mob to bum a light, you can save the day when
you self-righteously say, "No matches or sinful cigarette-lightin' cigarette
lighters here, Preacher. But I've got my Holy Fire Bible, thank God! So,
hallelujah, let's spark those puppies and watch 'em burn! And may their
heathen smoke, at least, be Heavenward bound! Amen. And Amen."
"Holy Arson, Parson!"
Forget your cold old King James Version. Get the hot new Fire Bible
and join The "Conflagration Generation" Congregation for Christ!
"Flambé the Lord's way!"
To every thing (Burn, burn, burn)
There is a season (Burn, burn, burn)
And a time to every purpose under Heaven
"Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a singeing light unto my nose-hairs."
WARNING: When operational, this product contains combustible materials.
Over-zealous "Bible-thumping" could result in serious injury or even death!
You can't spell combustible without the letters B-I-B-L-E!
CAUTION: Bearded men, bearded women (whether currently employed as
circus sideshow freaks, or not), and naked post-pubescent persons of either
gender should take special precautions when operating the Fire Bible so
as not to create the potential for secular (and blasphemously-humorous)
innuendo regarding the memory of Holy Moses and "The Burning Bush"
(Exodus 3:2-6). And, oh yeah, there's all that searing pain, lifelong physical
disfigurement, eternally-mortifying personal embarrassment, and the
significantly-disadvantaged sex-life options that should be avoided, too!
W.W.J.I.: What would Jesus incinerate?
Be well, m'Dear, be happy. Know peace, know love. Find joy wherever it awaits you. Live in light, live in bliss. Bless your heart.
Love 'n' sticky stuff, Brother "Hot-Damn" Dave