I'll go home and get my panties
Jesus and Mary Knickers
(Edited excerpt from an e-mail to a friend)
A link to the following short article read: Jesus and Mary knickers spark outrage among Catholics. But when I clicked to the story, I found the title had been abridged to read: Jesus and Mary knickers spark outrage.
I really don't know, of course, but I imagine that after the story was first posted, a self-appointed delegation of Romanian Protestants decided to live up to their name and protest their own pious outrage over Jesus and Mary undies so as not to concede the moral high-ground solely to the Romanian Roman Catholics.
Me? I've worn holey underwear before, but never holy underwear. I've worn briefs that were restrictive and binding in a Christian Fundamentalist kinda way, but they were never wholly holy. (Now I know life is too brief for that kind of grief from that kind of briefs. So now I wear boxers or nothing at all, fer chrissake.)
And just now, the thought of holy underwear reminds me of when you told me about your Mormon friend who divorced and remarried due, in part, to her particular take on what it means to be "equally yoked" in the name of the Lord and her wish to honor a unique marital custom of wearing special undergarments as an expression of true bonding. (Or bondage. Or something like that. Jeez.)
Anyway,... the following is presented for your edification and/or amusement:
Jesus and Mary knickers spark outrage
A Romanian lingerie shop has caused outrage by selling knickers with portraits of Jesus and the Virgin Mary on them.
The underwear generated scores of calls from angry shoppers and landed the unnamed store in Bucharest's main shopping centre with a £200 fine.
The Consumer's Protection Office was inundated with complaints after the new line of knickers, produced in Turkey, went on sale in Bucharest this week.
The CPO has ordered the sale of the knickers to be stopped.
Senior clergy figures in the country have condemned the sale of the underwear. "The business community must respect moral principles," the Church said in a statement.
Story filed: 10:05 Thursday 10th October 2002
Well, Girl, I hope I haven't in any way offended or embarrassed you by passing along this particular story.
I mean, hey, it occurs to me now that, just perhaps, you own (or borrow from a sister or very, very close friend [heh, heh, heh]) and regularly wear Jesus and/or Mary undies yourself. I mean, hey, I wouldn't know!
And, Jeez, what if, just by some cosmic coincidence, you happen to be wearing J&M undergarments today? You'd probably wonder if ol' Brother Dave is actually "Big Brother" Dave, covertly spying on your most intimate moments, including when you slip into and/or out of your (forgive my mentioning) unmentionables.
I mean, if I had to make a wild-ass guess as to how you've covered your wild... uh, assets on this Thursday afternoon — October 10th, 2002, I don't know, I'd probably guess you're wearing some classic pastel panties that have "Thursday" embroidered in a feminine script font on the front just above the crotch. You know, something from the ever-popular "7 Days of the Week" line of practical women's undergarments. No potentially-heretical J&M skivvies for you, I bet.
Or maybe when last shopping for dainties, you realized that they're "Cheaper by the Dozen." And so now, today, you're into your tenth consecutive day of wearing a single pair of pastel panties that have "October" embroidered in a feminine script font on the front just above the crotch. (Ten days down, just 21 more to go.)
(If, instead, you're into your tenth consecutive month of wearing a single pair of pastel panties that have "2002" embroidered in a feminine script font on the front just above the crotch, well, you should probably forever keep that information to yourself as being truly unmentionable.)
You know how insensitive I can sometimes be, how I can carelessly use inappropriate humor at the exact wrong time.
You know, m'Dear, like when, for example, I'm in the reception line immediately after a wedding service and I think I'm being funny by asking the brand-new bride, "So when's the baby due?" And then, if 5 or 6 or 7 or 8 months later I hear news of the newlyweds' New Arrival, I have to admit to myself once again that, yeah, I'm a big jerk and — even in non-pregnant nuptial situations — my lame little joke will never be the least bit funny.
Or, like when a bunch of her friends were helping Daphne move a couple of years ago, I razzed one guy as he was collecting clothes from one of her closets. I said something like, "Dude, that dress would never fit you and, besides, it really isn't your color." Hey, it was just a little joke — nothing personal, just the kinda dumb stuff I'd pull on anybody. But then that very night, I was introduced to that same guy's female alter-ego. And I learned that Daphne had to explain to him later that, no, she hadn't told me anything about his secret cross-dressing, that "Lister just pulls that kinda dumb stuff on anybody." Jeez.
Knee-jerk lame little jokes by a big jerk. Just another bad habit. That's all.
So anyway,... If you're into wearing Jesus and Mary knickers, m'Dear, I hope you'll understand that I have not intended the jokes here to be at your expense. And if you're into wearing Jesus and Mary knickers, I want to assure you that my writing on this subject is purely coincidental, and I have not now, nor have I ever, violated your privacy in this regard. No, really. I swear. Trust me.
(I see London. I see France....)
Be well, m'Dear, be happy....
Later, Brother "But not 'Big' Brother... At least not in the Orwellian sense of the phrase... I mean, I don't wanna shatter any sexual fantasies you might have about me... At least not at this time..." Dave
You go home and get your scanties
And away we'll go
Mm, Mm, Mm
Off we're gonna shuffle
Shuffle off to Buffalo
— excerpt from "Shuffle Off To Buffalo" Lyrics by Al Dubin, Music by Harry Warren